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beyond headache

10:16 a.m. - posted later, at Panera

I have been staying in Elaine's condo,which is now for sale. It is sparsely furnished with rented furniture. There is no wireless cable, needless to say, and no telephone. But there are neighbors who have unsecured networks. We have been successful in getting online through these neighbors' connections, but the connection is not always consistent. I can't complain! Worse than lack of connectivity is the issues my web host has been having with its servers. The first outage went for over 24 hours. There have been at least two since then, that have downed my sites and my email for hours at a time. Soon after I get home I will  be moving some of these domains to another host. Or other hosts.

I took a shower, a very hot one, slipped on bra and panties, slid under the sheets and tried to sleep. After a while I got up again, took another shower and then, immediately following, a  soak in mineral salts in the bathtub.

I am limited. Taking baths is sometimes not an option for me because it can be so difficult to get out of the tub. I gauged this one and decided I could manage it all right. The tub is large but low, relatively. I was able to slide my legs over the edge and push myself up using my arms, without a lot of difficulty. There have been times I have taken baths in deep tubs and actually cried in frustration when I couldn't get out. I always make it eventually but I can see the time when I will be calling for whoever is in the house to help me.I don't like that vision. Yet I also do not like the aids available for disabled persons. They are ugly and they say out loud just how incapable I am. I want always to have hope.

My headache is not gone. It is dimmed a bit, or I would not be even  writing this. At its worst I can do nothing,just hold my head or press it to a pillow and try not to breathe.Or try to breathe slowly and focus on it. Focus on anything but the headache. I am thinking of what I am doing as "releasing" the headache rather than "fighting" it. My grip is tenuous at best right now.


Judith Lautner
Judy's home

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January 2012


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