Judith Lautner (judith) wrote,
Judith Lautner

Borowitz Report

October 24, 2005

Not Enough Cronies to Fill Government Positions, President Warns

In a nationally televised speech last night, President George W. Bush warned the American people that the United States is facing a severe shortage of cronies and that if the crisis is not addressed there may not be enough cronies to fill key government positions.

"The shortage of cronies is a real and serious problem," the president said in his speech from the Oval Office at the White House.  "We ignore it at our peril."

The president said that during his first five years in office he had hired so many cronies in top administration jobs that the demand for cronies had far outstripped the supply.

While some aides to the president have called for him to tap into the Strategic Crony Reserves, an old-boy network of Republican insiders warehoused in various think-tanks and lobbying groups in Washington, D.C., the president said that such a solution is "little more than a quick fix."

"In order to avert a serious shortage going forward, we need to develop alternative sources of cronies," Mr. Bush said.

Dr. Davis Logsdon, who has been studying the nation's declining supply of cronies at the University of Minnesota's Crony Research Institute, said that outsourcing some of the work normally performed by native-born cronies may be the solution to the crony shortage problem.

"The president may consider tapping into a plentiful supply of foreign cronies, specifically in the Saudi royal family," he said.

Elsewhere, the White House revealed today that the actual nickname of Dick Cheney's Chief of Staff Lewis Libby was not "Scooter" as originally reported, but "Leaky."

Waste Someone's Time: Forward to a Friend:

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featuring comedy superstars Tom Shillue, Aziz Ansari, David Rees and much,
much more! At the Laugh Lounge, 151 Essex (bet, Rivington and Stanton);
8:30 PM. Tickets only $10.

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