Judith Lautner (judith) wrote,
Judith Lautner
judith

Hearts

A day alone. I flitted around town today, stopping in different places as much to be around people as anything else. I took in a movie (Closer) and stopped at the market for some food - while there, I noticed that when I was near the front of the store I could hear several conversations, the buzz, the music, of overlapping conversations, at the checkout counters. Elsewhere in the store people were quieter, but I noticed various family groupings, people doing things together. A kind of warm sense. That was nice.

As I sat downtown earlier, especially after I left the theater, I felt my solitude in Big Letters. I admit I reveled in it, in a way. Held it close to me. All mine. My aloneness is not to be shared. I wondered if I could ever share my life with someone intimately. I don't mean this in a negative way. It's a lot of who I am to sit and soak up others' lives while my own is brimming to overflowing with thoughts and feelings. When is there room for anyone else?

Of course, contradictory person that I am, I think of Dwain again and again, think about how to start the next conversation. I aim to be truly truthful, to hold nothing back, from now on. I hope I can do it.

No plans for tonight. I would make a dull guest at a party and a drag on any activity that required my participation. I would love to have a little more energy and will.
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