Earlier I was thinking about my state of mind.
"How's your spirit?", Jill usually asks, so new-age of her. I was thinking that my spirit is in a low space. I have been feeling tired, worn out, irritated, not happy, pressured.
But I have been here before. I occurred to me that this is what I would say, that I am not in top condition but I've been here before and it's no big deal, I will get past it.
That's essentially what I did say. We talked about this and that and at one point my eyes started to tear up, and Jill, of course, noticed. We found our way through to where I felt I'd hit upon why. I was just with my children, whom I love, to whom I can talk, who drain me but also fill me. I miss them. I am with others now but none of them hears me. I can rarely talk of the little things that strike me, rarely can share any kind of "moment". I wondered why I am so often with people who don't have even a normal sense of connection, who don't respond normally. I wondered aloud if I attract this sort of person and if so, why.
Jill was careful to point out that it isn't that I am deficient. She said I have a "great capacity for intimacy". It's just difficult to find matches for someone like me.
She urged me to find time, an hour a day, at least several hours one day a week, to do nothing, to have for myself, just to be. I am going to try this.
It was interesting that I went there today thinking maybe this is a signal that I might want to cut out of therapy for a while, just knowing that I do know how to cope. And yet it turned out to be one of the more meaningful sessions for me.
