Judith Lautner (judith) wrote,
Judith Lautner

Pluses and minuses.

Last night I went to a "Pampered Chef" party at the house of a fellow employee. The house is a newer one in a new subdivision in Arroyo Grande, and looked like a model, almost. Very tidy, new furniture, working its way into a personality. I thought, once again, no way could I ever have such a gathering at my house. People would just choke. Incomprehensible. Maybe in a year or so I will have stuff more or less in order but it will always be so MUCH.

The party reminded me that in some circles the fifties are still here. The implements are up to date but the techniques are the same. Almost everyone there had been to one of these parties before and I had never heard of them. It did feel like a time warp to me. I have so damned much kitchen equipment, of course, that I had no serious need of anything for sale there, fortunately. I didn't lust for anything that I don't have, either, although I like the idea of having more stoneware and the stoneware muffin pans intrigued me. I ended up buying a pan for the microwave - something I can see using a lot - and some nice salad tongs, better than what I have. Even these two small purchases got to over $19 once I added shipping and tax. We'll see if they are worth it.

I went in part because I stay home on weekends so much. I thought it would be good to get out and be with friends. I also thought it would be good if Dwain came over and found me not here. I am here too much, too available. I would like him to realize I won't always be here if all he does is take me for granted. It's just painful reality. But it hurts that I have a basket, a birthday gift, for him, and it sits here and who knows when he will be here to get it. I get excited about putting together gifts like this, perhaps because I have not always done it, because I have usually been rushed and not done as nice a job, so this gift is indicative of a change in my life. But at the same time it reminds me that he is not here, that I never know when he will be, that we don't have a real relationship.

Follow that up with the story of Elaine breaking up with her boyfriend. She called me, crying, yesterday, with her troubles. Rich was at the top of that list so I wasn't entirely surprised when she called today to say she is breaking up. She is in a lot of pain and I can do so little for her. On top of that, I feel like I keep switching the topic to me! What kind of empathy is that?? Yet pain is something we bear alone when it comes down to it. We parents so often want to take away the pain of our children and we can't.

So today I get back to cleaning the bathroom, working away at lifting the clutter out and away. Yesterday I put several pictures up on the wall above the piano and I enjoy looking at them now. I am no decorator but this place is surely mine. Perhaps with a vengeance, it just screams my name.

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