Judith Lautner (judith) wrote,
Judith Lautner
judith

torment

It's a funny thing. I have found my way out of deep depression and maintain that higher level most of the time. There were times when it was so deep and so dark that I remember people telling me they had no idea what they could do to help, that it was just unfathomable. In the last several years I have met many people who never have seen this part of me. Many of them think I am naturally confident, naturally optimistic, always seeing the good and positive side of things. More, some even tell me I can't possibly know what a serious depression is like.

Underneath that amazing self I have built, brick by brick, moment by moment, thought by thought, underneath that positive self, the one who truly does look for the good to come of the bad, who sees the colors in the sky, the beauty in the ugly, the one who "puts things in perspective", as my children put it, underneath this is the torment.

I don't feel it most days. But it is always there, nudging, taunting, and when it gets a bit of a crack it dives in. I know enough to recognize it and I know how to face it, but that doesn't mean I get to ignore it.

Like today. It is wearing me down. I ask myself, why all these years of doubts and self-recriminations and aloneness, and it just makes me tired. Will it ever be different, really different?
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