Underneath that amazing self I have built, brick by brick, moment by moment, thought by thought, underneath that positive self, the one who truly does look for the good to come of the bad, who sees the colors in the sky, the beauty in the ugly, the one who "puts things in perspective", as my children put it, underneath this is the torment.
I don't feel it most days. But it is always there, nudging, taunting, and when it gets a bit of a crack it dives in. I know enough to recognize it and I know how to face it, but that doesn't mean I get to ignore it.
Like today. It is wearing me down. I ask myself, why all these years of doubts and self-recriminations and aloneness, and it just makes me tired. Will it ever be different, really different?