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I'm working on chorale web pages, trying to get the next performance up there, struggling with my limited skills in getting things where I want them to be. I found a copy of Monet's Sunrise that to me seems a lovely backdrop for the titles of the works. I'm trying to lay out the rest of the page so that information on the music is melded nicely with photographs of the composers. That is likely to take some time.

Mike just called. He is now looking more seriously at kidney transplants, asked if I were still willing. Of course I am. I didn't make the offer frivolously, and I have read about what it takes. He said he's floored that I would go so far beyond the call of duty. It just seems logical to me. I am a sibling, have good kidneys, should be a good match. We also are the same blood type, which can't hurt. He is filling out the forms so I figure I'll be hearing about the tissue testing next.

Overall I am feeling a lot better than I was yesterday. I have not gotten Simba out of my mind but I am coming towards acceptance and thinking of the things I can do to remember him. Frame one of the many pictures I took of him. Plant groundcover over his grave, something pretty to remind me. Donate to animal causes in his name. These things all help his death serve some purpose for me. I have often not done much in this way to remember the other animals I have lost. Maybe something in me is changing that I want to do this. One thing, of course, is just that I live alone and have more time to contemplate and think.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 8th, 2003 12:25 pm (UTC)
You must love your bother very much, I think.

Glad to see you're feeling better than yesterday. I like what you're thinking of doing in Simba's name. Positive things - all good. I always think it's nice to commemorate any death with something positive like this. I know it doesn't take away the pain and loss, but somehow softens it a little, makes it somewhat easier to bear.
Jan. 8th, 2003 12:52 pm (UTC)
Yes, it does help. I think it is a way to have some control over what happened. Deaths like this are harder to take when we feel we have no control or like we didn't use that control adequately. By taking these extra steps I feel I am doing something.

The "screening" option is turned off. I don't know how it got set differently in my personal options without my having done it. It looks like those posts that were "screened" are going to be that way permanently, but at least it will be right from now on. I wasn't able to tell if new ones would be screened until someone commented, and you were the first! So thanks!

My brother - here, another "control" thing, I think. I am capable of giving this gift. It could save his life. I think I'd hate myself if I didn't offer it and lost him Or watched him live less of a life. It doesn't seem at all unusual to me. I can't do much for him otherwise, although I do think being there, being able to listen, visiting more often are all good things I could do. Sometimes the troubles we experience do make us closer to others.

At this time, I don't know if Mike will pass the test for being a good transplant recipient candidate any more than I will pass being a donor. I am glad he is applying, though.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


Judith Lautner
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