Judith Lautner (judith) wrote,
Judith Lautner
judith

near-crisis

Tonight Elaine started to look for the receipts so she could return some of the things she bought with the bonus money the other day. She couldn't find the envelope with the receipts in it. Panic. She looked through everything conceivable twice, went to her car, dug through it, nothing. In the process of looking, she gave me the book she had bought for me and I started leafing through it. Shortly after this, she made one of her obscure remarks: that one of the reasons she is sometimes rude is that it is "hereditary". She learned it from me and Mary, because it is how we act. I have no idea what this referred to. My looking through the book while she was frantically searching for the receipts? I don't know.

She has now gone out with Char to take some pix they planned to do a few days ago. I did more digging and found the envelope of receipts pinned to her bulletin board.

In the confusion I managed to start believing that the envelope's loss was my fault. That somehow, in steam-cleaning the carpet, I misplaced it or threw it away. I don't see how I could be that careless, knowing its value. Yet I was feeling guilty. So strange.

I was so relieved to find it that I called elaine's cell phone. she did not answer so I left a message saying where I found it, saying I would put it back there. I feel very very relieved.

There's always something, every time I come here. I can't seem to avoid some kind of misunderstanding with elaine or mary or both. Heaven knows I have tried. I wonder sometimes if I have some kind of fogger turned on, making things unclear sometimes.

The carpet looks good. The whole apartment. Took most of the afternoon. That got me thinking, of course. What would I do if I could do anything I wanted all day long? Would I want to go to stores, to shop? Would I lie in bed, unsure where the hours were? Would I be what I think of as productive? Would it scare me? I somehow think I'd be fine, because I spent several months without work after I quit SLO, and I worked on writing and organizing my life and I think those are good things. I did not need the "planner" label, I did not need any label. Maybe I will get my chance to find out.
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  • The Jerry Bruckheimer Effect

    I suppose it is the curse of anyone who is musical to be unable to ignore music. I am plagued by the piped in music in stores and I choke when I hear…

  • Adventures Downtown

    Yesterday I went downtown three times. The first time I passed by the pasty place and decided to stop and get one. The second time was to pick up a…

  • (no subject)

    NetworkedBlogs Blog: Judith's Topics: Personal, Mental Illness, Animal Rights Follow my blog