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strange dreaming

Last night I dreamed I was college-aged, and that I had agreed, with two other girls, to take strychnine during some sort of show. We were supposed to take low doses that would not kill us but we had decided to take more and actually commit suicide. I don't know why.

As I lay on the ground, thinking I was going to die, somehow the word got out. People came to see how we were doing. They assumed there was nothing they could do to save us. THe person who came to me was Jim Buckley, oddly enough - this, I think, came from my having gotten an invitation to his birthday in the mail a few days ago - and he brought me to his place. He gently asked how it felt, whether I was afraid, if I could handle it.

I said I could handle it better than a lot of painful things I'd handled in my life. I was waiting for the big fear to descend but it didn't, quite. I realized I didn't really want to die.

Someone discovered that the person who gave us the poison had altered it, diluted it, so we were not going to die after all.

I'm not certain but I may have changed the ending - I remember waking briefly from the dream and vaguely understanding that it *was* a dream. Maybe then I changed it.

I finally woke for real, faced the bloody phlegm, and now I am well on my way to what passes for normal these days.



( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 6th, 2002 05:58 pm (UTC)
fascinating dream, So many archetypal symbols. Oh everyone is susceptible to addiction. Anyway hope you are in recovery - even emrging from it after your dental ordeal.
Nov. 7th, 2002 03:15 pm (UTC)
hi Kim...and I hope it is your last journal, and that you keep it up, don't kill it. nice image.

I suppose it's true that everyone is susceptible to addiction, but some of us do resist more easily. I don't have any explanation for that. I think I have a lower tolerance for some things, like hangovers, than others do. When I am tempted to get high one way or another - and that is not often to begin with - I think of how long I will be out of it, and how I will feel later, and that pretty much stops me even thinking any more about it.

It may be some kind of control thing. Almost everything in my life has to do with control, I think.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


Judith Lautner
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