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My mind dwells on several thoughts seemingly at the same time. I continue to read about antidepressants, now Prozac Backlash, and I continue to gain an understanding of what these drugs do and how they do it. Nobody understands exactly how this class of drug does what it does. What is understood is that these types are "reuptake inhibitors", meaning they prevent excess seratonin from re-entering seratonin brain cells after transmitting their "message", and therefore the excess seratonin continues to bombard the receiver brain cells, causing a chemical imbalance. (not correcting an imbalance, as the drug companies like to say they do)

Beyond this, however, only bits and pieces are understood. One, that seratonin has a relationship with other neurotransmitters, including dopamine, and causes a drop in dopamine levels, for one. That over time there is damage to these cells - in some cases it appears to be permanent - and that this damage is by some thought to be "beneficial" in the same way that a lobotomy is "beneficial". These drugs are called by some a "chemical lobotomy", in fact.

But I am getting off-course. What is happening is that I am learning enough to know what questions to ask of the next book, or website, so that I can understand the whole process better. I've been dwelling on this picture. I want to write about it, don't yet know in what form.

I have also been reading the unfinished draft biography of the_eulipian and thinking about it, making notes, dwelling on it. Thinking, most of all, Kim, finish it, rewrite and rewrite until you're somewhat satisfied, send it off, try to get it published. I think it will be an important book.

I have been thinking about a man I met yesterday. We talked, first in a coffee place, then at the ocean, then in a restaurant, for six hours, and I felt we moved from the general (the world) to the specific (us) and yet I do not know if we found a connection. I really enjoyed the conversation. It was a rare jewel in my life of conversations. I hope that it is not the last one, that we can take one of the branches and go out on that limb further, until we find places that are sensitive, where we agree or disagree, where there may be a break in our skins. We both tend toward physical reserve, so I wonder, who will make the first move if there is to be one? Is this a hopeless situation, not meant to go farther? Will we reach a point where we can feel affection, humor, kinship?

I think about another man I have been writing to, who lives in Las Vegas. We'll probably meet for coffee and I suspect it will be a short conversation because, plumb as I have, I cannot get more from him. Maybe he will become an occasional source of humor, lightheartedness. I can use friends.

I think about Mary's move and how we are going to manage it. Driving the truck, the two cars, packing, forcing it all in, oh yes and I am looking to buy a child booster seat for my car, so we don't have to transfer one back and forth. We'll have cell phones so can keep in touch, stop for gas, bathrooms, food.

I think about getting those videos edited on Elaine's computer. What will we need to make the thing work? I don't know. And about the foundation newsletter. And about the IRS. I have too many things to think about and I need to deal with some of them sooner rather than later. Then there is the kitchen faucet, the unwashed dishes (because of the faucet), the mess that is growing. And there's the new cat.


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 23rd, 2002 06:02 pm (UTC)
New Photo
Your new picture is wonderful!
Sep. 24th, 2002 06:26 am (UTC)
Re: New Photo
Thank you! I think the poor quality of it (web cam) helps. I also don't know if I can ever blow-dry my hair that way (it was done by my stylist) so I live with an altered version. I'm really too lazy to blow-dry it at all.
Sep. 24th, 2002 01:23 am (UTC)
Well This IS Worth the visit
I read some of your notes yesterday and noticed the new photgraph - 'wow' as those younger than I say, about everything they cannot label 'cool' but I'll go with the flow anyway and say 'Wow-Cool!' and 'Eww.' Anyway I like it.

Thank you for the encouragement. I must have a psychic link to you because I decided to start marginally rewriting and reloading it on to eulipian etc yesterday. And Prozac? Uggh! I remember how, when it came out, everybody was celebrating it. Then the reports of violence and deaths started being reported, there were scattered court cases...

I was offered it when I couldn't/wouldn't? leave my room. I tacitly agreed. It caused acute Paranoia within 4 days. I could not move for fear of 'them' and I was heper-alert. 'They were out out to get me.

who are they?
'You KNOW - unless you're one of them.
Of course I'm not.
'How do I know?'

I preferred being depressed.

I wish you all the luck you deserve with your next meeting. It sounds as though it is definitely promising. The other items you mention leave me in awe. Has anybody told you 'you're one hell of a woman' lately? Because they should. But I must - to bed.

If only I can get to ordinary working hours instead of living on East Coast time it won't be 9am before I sleep. I will keep in touch.
As Ever
Sep. 24th, 2002 06:43 am (UTC)
Re: Well This IS Worth the visit
It was rather silly of me to put that note in here, where you may very well not see it, but I was going with my feelings at the time. I'm glad, therefore, that you did visit. And as I continue reading my feelings are reinforced. I ignore extra words, missing words, sentences that don't quite come together, because I know you'll fix all that. The essence is there, as I read. I keep reading and wondering and jotting down questions. Some of the questions will no doubt get answered as I go along. Others may simply become silly.

Your mother! I thought mine was self-centered, but she was a piker in comparison (whatever the hell "piker" really means...). A frightening woman, from where I sit, and vivid. I see your story in film.

Thank you for the nice comments on the new hair. I do love it. It didn't get me the second date with the very nice English man, but he was ever so polite and considerate so I don't feel so badly let down. I realized after reading the "dear jane" email from him that I am working from the standpoint of scarcity, so I have a tendency to want to cling to anyone even remotely close to whom I would want in my life. He has many many qualities that I see so rarely, that I like. This is good, being rejected. It's good experience, makes me stronger. I just have to keep the desperate tone out.

Thank you, especially, for the comments on me. I don't feel like much of a hell of a woman. I look around at the mess I have recently recreated in my house after the kitchen faucet went belly-up and I look at the list of things I have been avoiding...I am so awful with time, just let it float away. Reading. Thinking. Watching movies & television. Writing stuff that doesn't go where it should. I might do well as a kept woman.

Prozac. The weird thing about it is that one of its side effects is to make people even more depressed..and the violence is not just some lawyer's take, that's real too. I was on it briefly some years ago, didn't like the general feeling, got off. My daughter Elaine was on it (or a relative) and she suspects her brain was actually damaged, even for that short term. It doesn't take long for many people to show noticeable damage. I am feeling more confident the more I read because I am getting closer to being able to understand the neurotransmitter system and how these drugs work on it and the rest of the body - that is, as much as is known right now. In time I won't just be saying to people, "You don't know what it is doing to you long-term". I will be able to be more specific about the possibilities.

Again, thank you so much for writing. so many lurches in our lives. It is too bad we are so very far away, that we cannot meet in person. I can imagine some good conversations, both funny and deep.

Sep. 24th, 2002 12:26 pm (UTC)
Re: Well This IS Worth the visit
Oh I love this e-mail. Yes wouldn't it be nice to meet. Alas the pond. :-( I am sorry about the Englishman - don't be too strong though, 'weakness' can be a strength too, viewed a certain way, or prhaps that's my reaction to 'english reserve'. As for your being silly - not at all, I just rushed back (as it were) and added links from eulipian to eulipian biog. So, again thank you. The view of my mother changes as I get older. She is still as possesive and self centred but terribly dependent. Both my parents were. Sid, sadly died this year and I'm writing about that on the-eulipian. He was a good man who I appreiciated only many years later - after talking with him on the phone.

And finally, for now,
your house sounds like my mind a bit :-) but your occupations reading, eflecting show in the quality of your entries. Don't be too hard on yourself, it's only a house.

With Affection
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )


Judith Lautner
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