Judith Lautner (judith) wrote,
Judith Lautner

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the sobering truth

About six years ago I placed personal ads in newsgroups and elsewhere. (alt.sex.whatever) I went to sex-oriented groups and web sites and advertised myself from a sexual viewpoint - what I had to offer.

I could hardly keep up with the responses. Most of the men who responded were not the sharpest knives in any drawer, but out of the many there were a few, and I met those few in person. I had some interesting experiences. I eventually met someone who became my lover for three years, and much more than a lover.

This time out I decided not to do it that way. I don't want my relationship to be defined by what I am sexually, however intriguing that may be. I don't want that to be the primary aspect to the relationship. So I went for the tamer forums: match.com, yahoo personals, even veggie date. I posted rather complete ads in these places, and pictures.

The response has been underwhelming. In about two months three men responded to my ads, none of whom had anything real to offer, none of whom apparently had actually read my ad or understood it. I wrote to a dozen or more. Of those, two or three wrote back, maybe four, but correspondence ended soon after.

It was easier to get attention when I focused on what I had to offer sexually. And it actually resulted in a nice relationship for a while. But I did feel that even that one was short-sheeted because I started out that way and ultimately ended that way.

The prospects on these three match sites are not promising. There are very few men advertising who live in the area, and of those very few indeed are at all similar to me or what I am looking for, and when I do write to the promising ones they do not reply. Those who live outside the area are often not interested in even meeting me because of the difficulties in a long-distance relationship. I don't do well meeting men in person, although I have yet to figure out why. Therefore, the online match is more likely to work for me than the possibility that I will meet someone compatible while doing what I do in my life, by singing, dancing, working, hiking.

I read a book a while back that encouraged deliberate match-making. It recommended that the person have "interviews" with friends and close co-workers and ultimately ask them to think about who they know who might be a good match. Ask your friends to be on the lookout, you could say. I think it's actually a good idea, so I do let friends know I am available and looking. Nobody has tried to hook me up with anyone yet, of course. It might be good to do this more aggressively, deliberately.

Musing, musing. The funny thing is that there is so much in my life already that I rather like having it all to myself. I think that's a good thing, that I don't appear desperate because I am not. Yet I do think about it.

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