Judith Lautner (judith) wrote,
Judith Lautner

  • Mood:

suddenly I'm depressed.

I heard from Ray today, after a long gap. There is always a gap. He asked why we stop writing the way we do. Then, after two or three emails he remembers, and this is what he wrote:

I know now why we "drop the ball" It's not for lack of caring. It's
that, eventually, I run out of things to say, so I don't reply. That
leaves us with my owing you a note.

I thought about it. A few emails and we have nothing more to say? I think I know why. I am interested in his life and ask questions about it. He is not particularly interested in mine, seems to care if I am okay or not, that's about it, although it's nice. He also doesn't respond or comment on anything "leading", anything that might be construed as "provocative" in any sense.

So there isn't anything to say. If I ask him about his wife he'll say some things, then let it drop. If I ask about his plays, same thing. Doesn't go far.

There's something very honest about Ray that I like. There's also something detached. I am always trying to pull something from him, knowing he is capable of great passion and depth (I know because I've read his love letters, I've read his email about various affairs, I know). He has never felt those feelings toward me so I am someone to pat on the head now and then, sort of an agreeable cousin or something. Maybe I still want something more intimate from him. It doesn't seem that way. Doesn't seem like I want love now, but I do want real, deep friendship.

Then came a letter from Paul, Thanking us for seeing him at our board meeting but finding the meeting awkward, embarrassing, unpleasant, and saying he has the most profound respect for my father but doesn't want to be on the board any more. The letter was addressed to Karol, as president. I have felt badly about this meeting and wanted to tell him something about how I feel, yet have hesitated, wondering if it would be improper for me to step aside from the board to do so. I think not, particularly after seeing this letter. I feel I let him down. I was not able to turn the meeting around to a more positive thing, don't know how I might have done so. I don't seem to have the skills for it. So he left feeling badly and that should never have happened. I think I could tell him that much, even if it doesn't change the essence of the experience.

I've been feeling stressed at work, trying to write some reports on a subject I don't know enough about, having to pick it up suddenly and get the reports out even though I don't have a thorough understanding of all that has gone on since I last looked at it. I was not kept in the loop, and I really find that difficult. Although I don't feel particularly responsible, that doesn't make it easier really.

And the meeting tonight. I will leave in a few minutes. Will I handle the drainage question well, make it clear to the commission? I hope so. I may need to write something up. I should leave very soon to see if there is anything in writing from the engineer.

I haven't felt this level of depression for quite some time. I had myself fooled into thinking I never would again, that I had beat it. I haven't. I know what to do, though. Talk, exercise as I can, keep my head up, keep seeing what's around me, stay alert, see the world. Understand that change is all there is.

I want to find that little book on Buddhism and finish it. Can't hurt, might help.

I know I'll be all right. It just takes time.

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