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I might do well in a nunnery or monastery. That is, if I were left alone and didn't have to do the God stuff. Which, I guess, lets those places out.

I spend so much time by myself even when I am among many people. I am not sure why I am this way or if I can do anything about it.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 12th, 2002 06:10 am (UTC)
On Being Alone
Good subject!
I also spend the majority of my time alone- especially in my thoughts, and have realized that it is I who am choosing to put the distance between myself and others, whether out of fear, or simply because of the familiarity. I am used to this condition, whether I like it or not. This is what I grew up with, this is what I live. The woods are not a warm companion, although there is safety in nature.
Anyway, to keep myself going, I always have some inner dialogue going on about someone or something more interesting. Sometimes it is hard to stay in the present moment, especially when I am often doing things that I would rather not be doing (like working, being seudo-social at the grocery store, cleaning the kitchen for the millionth time, picking up the yard etc.)
But I have noticed that it is a certain type of aloneness that grates against the spirit. I want to be around people who notice me as a person, who love my ragged leather shoes and my jazz music, and who accept me and my many selves. There is a place central to all of us- a place in our core, that cries to be heard and seen, to be acknowledged. Perhaps a vulnerable, exposed spirit, but nevertheless one of profound beauty and freshness. And it is this inner force that feels the aloneness. love, ader
May. 12th, 2002 11:26 am (UTC)
Re: On Being Alone
Oh yes, I am aware that this is a choice I make. Only I'd like to make it consciously. Decide when I am going to be available and when not. There is apparently something about my demeanor that is not approachable much of the time. I am trying to get a sense of this, of what I am doing, how I look. I smile more, which is what is usually recommended, but I don't read books and smile, usually. I don't think sitting and reading is too bad, especially considering I look up now and then and look around and look as "friendly" as I am able.

Some of us are cut out to be separate and I realize that. I love solitude and don't want people interrupting mine all the time. I love to observe, too, and do that best when I am alone. Yet I like friends and more sometimes. I want it all.

Happy Mothers' Day, Abby!!!
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


Judith Lautner
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