Judith Lautner (judith) wrote,
Judith Lautner
judith

  • Mood:

memories

I am thinking again of Dwain. Yesterday I came upon some pictures of him and I just stared at his smile, and asked him, "why?". Today I spent a little time out on my front porch, sitting there reading, and I remembered that this was "our place". We would sit there together with our coffee, talking.

The circumstances in my case were a bit different from the usual but the end result is familiar territory to almost everyone, I suspect. Why is it so hard for me to accept? I think that it makes me doubt again, doubt my attractiveness, doubt my ability to make love well, to be a desirable woman. Why, though?

I sometimes try to imagine a relationship with a man and I have difficulty imagining it all the way through. Easy enough to see the dinners out, the talking on the porch, the kiss. Beyond that it gets fuzzy, hard for me to see. I doubt myself a lot. I wonder if I can be truly attracted to a man to the extent that I will crave his body the way some men have wanted mine. I need to feel this way, this next time.
Subscribe

  • The Jerry Bruckheimer Effect

    I suppose it is the curse of anyone who is musical to be unable to ignore music. I am plagued by the piped in music in stores and I choke when I hear…

  • Adventures Downtown

    Yesterday I went downtown three times. The first time I passed by the pasty place and decided to stop and get one. The second time was to pick up a…

  • (no subject)

    NetworkedBlogs Blog: Judith's Topics: Personal, Mental Illness, Animal Rights Follow my blog

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 0 comments