Judith Lautner (judith) wrote,
Judith Lautner

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I am thinking again of Dwain. Yesterday I came upon some pictures of him and I just stared at his smile, and asked him, "why?". Today I spent a little time out on my front porch, sitting there reading, and I remembered that this was "our place". We would sit there together with our coffee, talking.

The circumstances in my case were a bit different from the usual but the end result is familiar territory to almost everyone, I suspect. Why is it so hard for me to accept? I think that it makes me doubt again, doubt my attractiveness, doubt my ability to make love well, to be a desirable woman. Why, though?

I sometimes try to imagine a relationship with a man and I have difficulty imagining it all the way through. Easy enough to see the dinners out, the talking on the porch, the kiss. Beyond that it gets fuzzy, hard for me to see. I doubt myself a lot. I wonder if I can be truly attracted to a man to the extent that I will crave his body the way some men have wanted mine. I need to feel this way, this next time.

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