April 5th, 2007

Roman

house woes

I'm having a bad day. I've been around long enough to know this feeling of hopelessness will pass. Really, it is more helplessness than hopelessness.

I got a letter from the park management company about my request to replace my mobile home with a new one. After dilly-dallying with the papers for several months - since last December - they say they want my driveway paved with concrete and they need additional plans that they already have, or should have. I do not own this space. I am really irritated that they want me to pave their property. It's like telling an apartment dweller to go out and pave her own parking spot. What the hell? Yet I suspect they will be able to force that, that there is enough vague language in the regulations to allow them to demand that.

What this means to me, right now, is that my project is delayed yet again for who knows how long. That's really the hardest part for me. I live in suspense all day every day, never knowing when the dam will finally break and I'll be able to get my new home in place.

I feel inept, incompetent, unable to get this done, and it's such a familiar feeling. How could I imagine, I tell myself, that for once I can have a nice house? Finally? After all these years? How could I imagine that this spell that has ruled my life is finally broken?

I know I won't feel as bad after I've rested on this and figured out how to deal with it. It comes on top of the IRS delaying the refund I have been counting on, too, which is making me seriously edgy. I know that when I have a solid plan and start acting on it I'll be okay. I'm just indulging in some self-pity right now. It isn't a crisis. Just a blip.