April 6th, 2006



I have had bad headaches most of this week, and when I take excedrin migraine I get nauseous, so I'm trying to think of a different tack. I've been drinking a lot of water and the other day I went hiking with Elaine, yet nothing seems to help. I am going to take a hot shower right now.

beyond headache

10:16 a.m. - posted later, at Panera

I have been staying in Elaine's condo,which is now for sale. It is sparsely furnished with rented furniture. There is no wireless cable, needless to say, and no telephone. But there are neighbors who have unsecured networks. We have been successful in getting online through these neighbors' connections, but the connection is not always consistent. I can't complain! Worse than lack of connectivity is the issues my web host has been having with its servers. The first outage went for over 24 hours. There have been at least two since then, that have downed my sites and my email for hours at a time. Soon after I get home I will  be moving some of these domains to another host. Or other hosts.

I took a shower, a very hot one, slipped on bra and panties, slid under the sheets and tried to sleep. After a while I got up again, took another shower and then, immediately following, a  soak in mineral salts in the bathtub.

I am limited. Taking baths is sometimes not an option for me because it can be so difficult to get out of the tub. I gauged this one and decided I could manage it all right. The tub is large but low, relatively. I was able to slide my legs over the edge and push myself up using my arms, without a lot of difficulty. There have been times I have taken baths in deep tubs and actually cried in frustration when I couldn't get out. I always make it eventually but I can see the time when I will be calling for whoever is in the house to help me.I don't like that vision. Yet I also do not like the aids available for disabled persons. They are ugly and they say out loud just how incapable I am. I want always to have hope.

My headache is not gone. It is dimmed a bit, or I would not be even  writing this. At its worst I can do nothing,just hold my head or press it to a pillow and try not to breathe.Or try to breathe slowly and focus on it. Focus on anything but the headache. I am thinking of what I am doing as "releasing" the headache rather than "fighting" it. My grip is tenuous at best right now.

Putting it back together

I am at Panera Bread in The District now. I had lunch here with E&E, all of us Fiesta con Queso soup, which I recommend. My headache surges and dims so I am not sure yet if it's really gone. I feel okay right now.

I stopped at E&E's apartment to view the reassembly,in part. E&E were moving things out, other things in, making things work (like the cool flatscreen television that was not plugged in or connected to anything, of course), and bemusedly sussing out their recent FabFive exerience.

They both seem to like the  Fab Five but not like so much the crew. It really seemed odd to me how disorganized this team is, and I suspect it really does not have to be that way. I realize they have to improvise on a lot of things but with enough phone calls you can get a lot arranged without messing people up too much. Also, they didn't pay attention to Ed's and Elaine's needs particularly well. I can see that the whole point is to make a good show and if you are too sensitive it could cost too much, but how much does it cost to buy something other than a down mattress - when you know the owners are vegetarians who don't want products made from animal products? E&E understood that there were some compromises they would have to accept: it's damned hard to find good men's shoes that are not leather, for example. But the many other things were simply examples of not paying attention.

I have thought about these positions,  the "producer" type, and thought it would be interesting and I might be good at it. I would create charts and schedules and make note of things that are peculiar to the "subject", things to watch out for. I wonder, though,  if I could take the chaos that is inherent. In some senses I thrive on chaos yet I have found I really do better without it. This meaning that I can multitask with the best of them but I need a way to keep track and I prefer to have enough time to get it all done.

My total experience with the event took place yesterday. A celebrity poker tournament at Caesar's Palace. Ed introduced the players: George Wallace (comedian), Susan Anton (actress), David Bremer (comedian), Thom from Queer Eye, and my fave - Penn Jillette. Then Ed went off to his own little nook, where he watched the play on a small screen and commented on it. The players could not hear his comments but of course they will be played during the replay of the event. That is, during the Queer Eye episode. A woman from All In Magazine (premier print poker mag) sat with him and was great at asking him good questions so he could provide good answers. Later,  when George Wallace lost (what's the term for when a tournament player loses all  his chips?) he joined Ed and this woman, and I can  imagine the interplay got really lively then. The comedians in the group made the game play fun to watch even for us non-poker players, and Thom, who knew almost nothing about poker, was funny in his ignorance. Penn was the best, the most outrageous, and probably the best player. But Susan Anton won the tournament. She seemed savvy as well.

My part? To stand among a crowd that encircled the table, watching, cheering, commenting to each other. After about 45 minutes I could take standing no more and found no way to lean against the back railing, so I left the staged area and sat at one of the empty poker tables (the tournament was played on a small stage in the poker room), and even read a bit, from my book. Mimi hung in because she made loud noises about needing a chair and got one. When Elaine tried to get one for me she was not successful. Mimi is naturally more attention-grabbing than I am, and nobody officially introduced me to anyone, so I felt a wee bit odd there, and even a little resentful (which I do know is silly).

While I was sitting at the empty poker table with the book someone came  up to ask if it was a poker book.  I said no, showing it to him. He wondered why I was in a poker room reading a novel. I said I was the mother of the wife of the Queer Eye victim up there on the stage. He asked about Elaine, if she was shy. I said yes, to an extent. He said he understood she didn't really want to do this. I didn't comment. He said he had talked to Ed but had not talked to Elaine but thought they were an odd match. I didn't say "then you should talk to  Elaine" because it wasn't worth it, but this comment upset me. I can imagine what it must be like for real celebrities when so much is misunderstood on a daily basis!

Today I was able to watch the wonder couple in action moving things in and out of storage, dumping things, talking about the odd "sculptures" that were added to the apartment, checking out the  television, and finally  agreeing, when they got to Panera, on how good the sample bread is. And I was reminded of why they are together,why they belong together.