April 25th, 2005

Roman

Borowitz does it again

April 24, 2005
BUSH ADMITS HE NO LONGER UNDERSTANDS HIS SOCIAL SECURITY PROPOSAL

Orders Worldwide Manhunt to Find Someone Who Does

During a speech in Flint, Michigan today, President Bush sent shockwaves through the debate about Social Security by admitting that he no longer
understands his own proposal for revamping the nation's retirement program.

The Flint speech had been billed as a pep rally of sorts for the president's ambitious Social Security overhaul, which made his candid admission that he could not "make heads or tails of the darned thing" all the more surprising.

"I have read it over and over and over again, and I've got to tell you, I do not have a clue what it means," Mr. Bush told his audience, many of whom audibly gasped.  "I had an easier time figuring out The Da Vinci Code." 

At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan acknowledged that Mr. Bush's bafflement over his own Social Security proposal may push back implementation of the controversial plan: "According to current estimates, it is highly unlikely that the president will actually understand this plan any time before the year 2029."

To speed up that timetable, Mr. McClellan said that Mr. Bush is ordering a worldwide manhunt to find someone who can understand his Social Security proposal and explain it to him "as soon as possible."

"And if that person turns out to be Osama bin Laden, we'll be killing two birds with one stone," Mr. McClellan added.

Elsewhere, in a sign of improving relations between the two countries, India and Pakistan announced today that they would transform the disputed region of Kashmir into a gigantic calling center to handle customer service questions from U.S. computer users.

borowitzreport.com