December 7th, 2004



I woke with such a headache that I got up early yet again, took some tylenol migraine, headed for the coffee pot. It's been about twenty minutes or so and the headache seems to be gone. I wonder what is causing these awful early morning headaches. If it were a gas leak or something like that, the headache wouldn't be going away. So what else might it be? The way I sleep? It isn't what I ate, not this time. But maybe just the way I feel, which is hugely stressed, out of control. It is that time of year.


In yesterday's mail I got two new credit cards - cards i actually applied for - plus a notice that my credit limit had been raised for another card.

In times past this might have been cause for alarm. I believe, though, that I can now handle this. I have had my paypal card for probably a couple of years now and have not abused it, have handled it well. I keep the balance at zero as much as I can, yet charge on it often - just pay it off frequently. I now qualify for better cards, better interest rates.

As much as anything else, I see these cards as a type of insurance. If really pushed to the wall, I would be able to pay for an emergency or a problem bill. I prefer to pay cash, as always, but it is comforting to have a backup.

Strange obsession

On Air America a group called "MottoCitizens" advertises. They advertise "contemplative education" for "world citizens" and advocate peace. Certainly lofty. Their spokesperson and spiritual leader, the writer and reader of their sets of instructional and contemplative tapes, is named Gola Wolf Richards. He looks, from his picture on their web site ( Asian, and has an appropriately bald head. One could see him sitting lotus-fashion and teaching Buddhism.

But instead he speaks on these commercials in oddly-passive-voice sentences in a voice that sounds ultra-cultured, almost to the point of sounding like a parody. In fact, when I first heard commercials for a cruise ship that offers high-class voyages, the upper-class voice reminded me of Richards', and the first time I heard one of Richards' commercials I thought it was a joke. In the background was some sort of folk peace song, and here was this guy speaking in tones dripping with authority, speaking strangely of contemplative education. So far, the commercials have been messages to President Bush. Convoluted sentences that say, if you translate them, that Bush is acting in an arrogant fashion and should stop having wars.

That voice. Richards' voice. I hear it in my head at the oddest times of day. It has a strange effect on me. I find myself wondering if perhaps Mr. Peace goes home to a bevy of (probably female) slaves and orders them around. His voice says he does. Something inside me is reacting to his voice in a deeply sexual way.