February 27th, 2004


frustrations and disappointments

Yesterday I got the estimate for the remaining work on my implants. It is as much money as the implants themselves. I don't understand it. I am very distressed by it. I could buy a good car for what I will have put into these three teeth. I am trying to grin and bear it, just get past it, figure out how to finance this part. The first part is nowhere near paid off. That would help.

My movie. I split my project into two parts so I could record two DVDs instead of one, so they would each have 100% quality. But I got an error message that I have not figured out. I posted the question to the pinnacle systems forum and so far do not have an answer from them, either. I may put in a help request.

So I'm feeling a bit distressed. And the kitty's eye infection has returned. Damn.

Bearing pain

While reading discussions of Gibson's Passion I have been thinking about how Jesus bore his pain. In the movie, he clearly suffered, yet kept getting up and asking for more.

I have, at times, been able to lift myself up from pain, to disassociate myself from it, almost Zen-like, I suppose. I use both physical and mental tools to do this. Of course I can't, always, make it work. But I think our bodies work with us in this respect, that they rush endorphins to the rescue when greater levels of pain cannot be endured. In a prolonged torture like Jesus' I would expect to become "spacey" after a while.

So I think about it. I think, Jesus wanted to be conscious so he could bear more.

At the same time I think he could be "above it", take as much as they could give. He would not be calling on God to save him from pain, but instead calling from within himself to be able to endure more.

Clearly, being present for all of it would have the greater impact if you believe he is doing it for you. On the other hand, accepting it all with the strength borne of belief has to mean something too.