November 6th, 2002


strange dreaming

Last night I dreamed I was college-aged, and that I had agreed, with two other girls, to take strychnine during some sort of show. We were supposed to take low doses that would not kill us but we had decided to take more and actually commit suicide. I don't know why.

As I lay on the ground, thinking I was going to die, somehow the word got out. People came to see how we were doing. They assumed there was nothing they could do to save us. THe person who came to me was Jim Buckley, oddly enough - this, I think, came from my having gotten an invitation to his birthday in the mail a few days ago - and he brought me to his place. He gently asked how it felt, whether I was afraid, if I could handle it.

I said I could handle it better than a lot of painful things I'd handled in my life. I was waiting for the big fear to descend but it didn't, quite. I realized I didn't really want to die.

Someone discovered that the person who gave us the poison had altered it, diluted it, so we were not going to die after all.

I'm not certain but I may have changed the ending - I remember waking briefly from the dream and vaguely understanding that it *was* a dream. Maybe then I changed it.

I finally woke for real, faced the bloody phlegm, and now I am well on my way to what passes for normal these days.

weird meals

Yesterday I went to Bullwinkles for lunch. I had a peach malt. Normally I wouldn't even go near one of these things, because of the high fat and calorie content. But 1) Bullwinkles has the reputation of having the best malts and shakes around; and 2) if that shake or malt *IS* the meal, then the calorie content is not out of line.

This morning I sneaked into Carl's Jr for a vanilla milk shake. Of the two, the peach malt was by far the best, was quite heavenly in fact. Also smaller, which isn't a bad thing. I recognize that these items don't go so far in meeting my daily nutrient totals, but they do feel good going down.


If I were susceptible to addiction I might be on the way now. Every time the Vicodan kicks in I feel so much better. But I don't take it during the day; I wait until I get home, and often don't take any until bedtime, if then. Today I just felt tired of hurting. The hurt is rather like a burn in my mouth, except that it doesn't get better as fast as a burn does. It seems to be affecting the gums around the nearby teeth as well, making teeth brushing in that area a bit touchy.

Really, I've had a LOT worse pain. A typical migraine headache, for example, is usually far more debilitating. I think part of what bothers me is that it is so hard to enjoy eating or drinking anything at all. I get a hint of the taste and then the discomfort tends to increase in my mouth, and usually I head for a bathroom with a glass of warm salt water to rinse. That helps the discomfort to a small degree.

This afternoon I came home and had some tea and started in on "fun size" Three musketeers bars left over from Halloween. There is so damned little I can eat in this house, and I'm out of money, so I didn't really feel that bad about eating about six of them.They went down fairly easily, which felt really good to me. That is probably going to be the main part of my dinner. The Nutrition Queen bites it big time. I'm so glad I don't have to be anywhere tonight.