October 29th, 2002


(no subject)

My mouth is hurting some. I'm glad I'm going in, because I think it gets more sensitive with the gum tissue not on top of the bone.

It's a form of unintentional torture, though. The needle - this dentist, empathetic (empathic?) and positive though he is - does not have Mark's skill at getting those needles in without my feeling anything. So there is at least one and are usually two bites that hurt enough for me to struggle to stay still. Then the scraping of the bone. I think he's cleaning it, and it hurts. There are a couple of other places where he does some work that seem more sensitive, in spite of all the Novocaine.

It seems a form of torture because it is repeated. I can handle this sort of thing once, get through it, but after a few repeats I start to dwell on specific aspects of it and my mind wants to make them bigger. I anticipate. ANd they seem worse than they actually are because my mind makes them worse.

So the trick is to remain calm, take it a minute at a time, not anticipate, just accept. And take those deep breaths. I don't have to take the deep breaths very often but I think I have to talk to myself more as I get through each of these.

I can do anything for a limited period of time.

Sometimes I think of the Gary Larsen cartoon, Aerobics in Hell. Thinking about doing those leg lifts forever...! It's hilarious.

(no subject)

No gum stitching today after all. The dentist re-thought last night and decided to do a more intense procedure, involving taking tissue from another part of my mouth. He said it has post-operative consequences, that it is painful, uncomfortable, difficult, for a while. I don't know what all that means. I am feeling a little tense about this and trying to talk myself down, not worry unnecessarily, not let it get to me.

Because they are just doing impressions today, I'll go to work, get some hours in. I was prepared for staying home so in a way this is a letdown. But I should be able to get some things done and that will feel good.


It's been exhausting. It seems like everyone wants a piece of me here at work. Something needs to be done on a dozen projects. It's hard keeping it all straight. And I am fixing things we did wrong, too, or hope I am.

It's good I came in, though. I'll get rid of some of these files for a little while.

FBI Files

I just watched the re-enactment of a horrifying shootout between FBI agents and two deadly bank robbers - the robbers with automatic weapon, the agents with small hand guns - on FBI Files on Discovery. I really like these programs, the forensic, FBI, other real crime shows (except for Cops, that sort of thing). This one, though, really got me by the throat. The robbers ruthlessly kept shooting, even after they had been shot several times themselves, and ultimately killed two agents and wounded five others, in several minutes of constant gunfire. One of the wounded agents pulled himself together enough to finish the gunmen off to stop them from backing over the agents lying on the ground.

I doubt I've seen any fictional tale as riveting as this. It certainly made me appreciate the danger those agents were in, from the moment they spotted the suspects' car, and how they were willing to put their own lives in danger to stop them. They knew going in that these men had no problem killing anyone in their path, because they had already done so.

I can't imagine doing this kind of job.