September 23rd, 2002

Roman

dwelling

My mind dwells on several thoughts seemingly at the same time. I continue to read about antidepressants, now Prozac Backlash, and I continue to gain an understanding of what these drugs do and how they do it. Nobody understands exactly how this class of drug does what it does. What is understood is that these types are "reuptake inhibitors", meaning they prevent excess seratonin from re-entering seratonin brain cells after transmitting their "message", and therefore the excess seratonin continues to bombard the receiver brain cells, causing a chemical imbalance. (not correcting an imbalance, as the drug companies like to say they do)

Beyond this, however, only bits and pieces are understood. One, that seratonin has a relationship with other neurotransmitters, including dopamine, and causes a drop in dopamine levels, for one. That over time there is damage to these cells - in some cases it appears to be permanent - and that this damage is by some thought to be "beneficial" in the same way that a lobotomy is "beneficial". These drugs are called by some a "chemical lobotomy", in fact.

But I am getting off-course. What is happening is that I am learning enough to know what questions to ask of the next book, or website, so that I can understand the whole process better. I've been dwelling on this picture. I want to write about it, don't yet know in what form.

I have also been reading the unfinished draft biography of the_eulipian and thinking about it, making notes, dwelling on it. Thinking, most of all, Kim, finish it, rewrite and rewrite until you're somewhat satisfied, send it off, try to get it published. I think it will be an important book.

I have been thinking about a man I met yesterday. We talked, first in a coffee place, then at the ocean, then in a restaurant, for six hours, and I felt we moved from the general (the world) to the specific (us) and yet I do not know if we found a connection. I really enjoyed the conversation. It was a rare jewel in my life of conversations. I hope that it is not the last one, that we can take one of the branches and go out on that limb further, until we find places that are sensitive, where we agree or disagree, where there may be a break in our skins. We both tend toward physical reserve, so I wonder, who will make the first move if there is to be one? Is this a hopeless situation, not meant to go farther? Will we reach a point where we can feel affection, humor, kinship?

I think about another man I have been writing to, who lives in Las Vegas. We'll probably meet for coffee and I suspect it will be a short conversation because, plumb as I have, I cannot get more from him. Maybe he will become an occasional source of humor, lightheartedness. I can use friends.

I think about Mary's move and how we are going to manage it. Driving the truck, the two cars, packing, forcing it all in, oh yes and I am looking to buy a child booster seat for my car, so we don't have to transfer one back and forth. We'll have cell phones so can keep in touch, stop for gas, bathrooms, food.

I think about getting those videos edited on Elaine's computer. What will we need to make the thing work? I don't know. And about the foundation newsletter. And about the IRS. I have too many things to think about and I need to deal with some of them sooner rather than later. Then there is the kitchen faucet, the unwashed dishes (because of the faucet), the mess that is growing. And there's the new cat.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
Roman

(no subject)

The verdict on yesterday's meeting? Not enough "chemistry". Where do I get this stuff? Can I make it out of materials lying around my house?

I need to develop greater satisfaction with myself, alone. Get over the idea that I have something to offer someone else. I keep thinking, "what a waste" but why? Is it a waste to expend myself on myself?
Roman

(no subject)

Rehearsal. Much of the music is easy to learn. It's fun to learn when it comes easily. The Misa is a bit harder, mostly rhythm and speed, so we'll get it. We went through "choir two" tonight, introductions. I discovered someone else in the choir who grew up in Marquette, and Tom and Susan discovered that I am a PLANNER in their fair city. It was fun, surprisingly.