August 13th, 2002

Roman

Hillary and Jackie

It's a "flawed film" (I use quotation marks because virtually every film is flawed) but well worth seeing as a starting point. It makes me want to read the book, written by Jackie's sister and brother. The Jackie in this movie is not as likeable, as passionate, in the way one might expect a musician should be. We don't see as much of who she is as a musician as we do of her "spoiled" personality. For all that, much of the music that made her famous is in here.
Roman

(no subject)

I think I put off watching Hillary and Jackie because Jacqueline du Pre was a part of my young adulthood, when I still had hopes, dreams of becoming a musician myself, actually making a living that way. She burst upon the scene when I was in my early twenties, she was about my age, she was a monstrous talent. I was so in awe of her. I bought her recordings, I read of her marriage to Daniel Barenboim, and thought about what it must be like to be part of that beautiful, extraordinary couple.

Later, when I would hear Daniel play somewhere I would think, is he thinking of Jackie? It must be hard to have lived through the loss of your love that way. I saw him recently on television and he had changed. Instead of the striking, handsome, young talent, he was an older man, pudgy and ordinary-looking. At that time I thought about all that talent, all that passion, inside that ordinary-looking body. And again, I thought, does he think of her?

The movie indicates, though, that he was off seeing other women when Jackie was suffering alone with MS. I'm not feeling so much compassion for Barenboim now.

The other part, the other reason I think I put off seeing this is to do with myself. In a way, Jackie's loss was my loss, although mine was so less spectacular. I left behind the traveling musician, made a decision not to pursue this as a career. I knew it would have been nuts to try it. I was not a technical wizard, and you have to be to get the music into your fingers before you can make real music of it, quickly. To get a repertoire that stands up. I started too late to take myself seriously and ended too soon. So here I am, barely able to play simple stuff on my piano with the sticking keys. And I mourn that loss. I was, I am, a musician to my very soul. It hurts. It is only now and then that this all comes flooding back and the movie did that to me, brought it back so I was crying my eyes out this morning, watching it.
Roman

(no subject)

I got home, made myself a sandwich, then a folded tortilla with soy cheese, ate them, felt tired. I lay down, napped to the extent that I thought it was morning, Tuesday morning, and I had to get up, and I wondered what had happened to me, I felt almost panicked.

I realized it was afternoon, got up. Watched the rest of Hillary and Jackie, not much left yet it brought me to tears yet again. I changed, put stuff in my backpack. Now I want to try a hike. I'll drive to Staples, then walk across the street and up Stoneridge and see how it goes.
Roman

(no subject)

It feels good to have hiked again. The hike took about fifty minutes, total, and did not cause me any deep pain. Nothing I couldn't manage. The asphalt and concrete parts were harder than the hillside, which makes some sense. But I managed up and down hill okay. It felt so good to be out there again, under my own power.

I thought again about Jackie. How her MS made me think of what I had been looking at recently, the potential of losing my mobility. I am sure she would have jumped for arthritis in place of MS, even arthritis in her fingers.
Roman

(no subject)

Mary's life sure is at a high point. Her water heater burst and flooded her apartment. She is staying at Budget Suites, courtesy of the apartment owners, and they are having to redo carpeting and probably paint, and maybe some of Mary's new furniture. She said she had a nervous breakdown earlier today, went in to her teacher and said she can't do it, she's working two jobs and her apartment's flooded and she's at the end of her rope. He was very calm said go home, take it easy, call him tomorrow. I told her she should be a test case for that class. Class in stress reduction.

I'm getting onto Dreamweaver, have redone the chorale site. It's pretty basic but it's consistent, it all works, I like it. I will keep refining, improving, of course.
Roman

sleepless

I tried. I lay there a while, Simba climbed under the cover with me and purred and kneaded, and then left, and I lay there some more. I finally decided to turn off my mind by turning on the television. So we'll see.