I'm not seeing things clearly, the way I usually do. I think I'm taking things too hard, not able to step back right now.
More deep breaths.
I have to meet with other people on our potential web site this morning. I have been wanting to get this thing off the ground for a long time but have not been kept in this loop, either, so decisions keep being made without me. Now I am given the lead, so maybe there's some hope. Small hope. So much is done without real planning here at the city. And this is another sudden rush job for some reason. I see no reason to rush.
I haven't been in this state in such a long while. It's like a regression. It's easy to feel like I've lost ground but I haven't. In fact, it's probably a good kind of test for me.
I brought my stuff for swimming after work. I don't plan on spending much time there, just taking one lap at a time, taking it very easy, see how it goes. I am not sure my knee can handle even that right now. But maybe! Just giving it a shot will make me feel like I'm doing something. And take my mind off other things as well.
I have gone off the bio of Caldwell, very close to the end. And am reading a book by Iris Murdoch. My first. Easy to read, rather light in a way, involving. I think it's good for right now. I started Tobacco Road but could tell right off I'm not likely to like it much.
If I were superstitious I'd say there were ugly things in the air, or the stars aren't aligned right, or something. It seems like I am hearing of so many bad things, involved in so many unhappy situations right now.
Letter from Paul, response from Duncan, problems with Three Rivers, issues with Mike & Michelle (these are less in the area of ugliness, more concern), little Mulder gone missing, the loss of my friend. . .
But in fact I am *not* superstitious. I don't see the world coming to an end. It's a tough time to get through. And we will, somehow.
I swam all of ten lengths in the pool today, stopping to rest at the end of each. And yet my arms! They really felt it. More than any of my weight-lifting routines, and I didn't do that much. Shows that there are some muscles I haven't been working at all. My breathing is not great, and my legs don't kick well, my form is abysmal. I might join the masters team again, get a little better, more comfortable.