July 23rd, 2002


(no subject)

The workout didn't seem to hurt my leg any. Make it any worse. I don't seem to wake up any stiffer than I am during the day, for that matter, not much.

some hope, sort of

The doc appointment. The new doc said pretty much the same thing as the last, that there is no stopping this thing. He said don't over-exercise, pay attention to my body, swim, walk when I can, bicycling seems out.

I asked about the anti-inflammatory situation. I said I'd heard that prolonged use can lead to a further disintegration over time. He said not quite, wrong info. He said that use of anti-inflammatory meds can lead to slower healing *if you break a bone*. It has no such effect on cartilage. So it's okay for long-term. Or so he says.

I still feel like I don't know anything, really. He said the reasons for these inflammations are "poorly understood". He told me about the injections: they are made of cocks' combs. Shit. And they are expensive, although nothing like knee surgery. Work for about a year, in his limited experience.

He gave me a 16-day supply of Vioxx. It's a different "family" from the naproxen, doesn't have the stomach side-effects, or, for that matter, much in the way of side-effects at all, he said. It's more expensive, though. I might check the price online just for laughs. If it works well, he said, he'd write me a prescription for them. I may have to come into money before I could fill it.

Just to see how I am, I walked around a block after leaving there. One block. That was enough to get the pain working pretty consistently. So I'm not ready to walk yet. Maybe swim, though. I should try that.

suddenly I'm depressed.

I heard from Ray today, after a long gap. There is always a gap. He asked why we stop writing the way we do. Then, after two or three emails he remembers, and this is what he wrote:

I know now why we "drop the ball" It's not for lack of caring. It's
that, eventually, I run out of things to say, so I don't reply. That
leaves us with my owing you a note.

I thought about it. A few emails and we have nothing more to say? I think I know why. I am interested in his life and ask questions about it. He is not particularly interested in mine, seems to care if I am okay or not, that's about it, although it's nice. He also doesn't respond or comment on anything "leading", anything that might be construed as "provocative" in any sense.

So there isn't anything to say. If I ask him about his wife he'll say some things, then let it drop. If I ask about his plays, same thing. Doesn't go far.

There's something very honest about Ray that I like. There's also something detached. I am always trying to pull something from him, knowing he is capable of great passion and depth (I know because I've read his love letters, I've read his email about various affairs, I know). He has never felt those feelings toward me so I am someone to pat on the head now and then, sort of an agreeable cousin or something. Maybe I still want something more intimate from him. It doesn't seem that way. Doesn't seem like I want love now, but I do want real, deep friendship.

Then came a letter from Paul, Thanking us for seeing him at our board meeting but finding the meeting awkward, embarrassing, unpleasant, and saying he has the most profound respect for my father but doesn't want to be on the board any more. The letter was addressed to Karol, as president. I have felt badly about this meeting and wanted to tell him something about how I feel, yet have hesitated, wondering if it would be improper for me to step aside from the board to do so. I think not, particularly after seeing this letter. I feel I let him down. I was not able to turn the meeting around to a more positive thing, don't know how I might have done so. I don't seem to have the skills for it. So he left feeling badly and that should never have happened. I think I could tell him that much, even if it doesn't change the essence of the experience.

I've been feeling stressed at work, trying to write some reports on a subject I don't know enough about, having to pick it up suddenly and get the reports out even though I don't have a thorough understanding of all that has gone on since I last looked at it. I was not kept in the loop, and I really find that difficult. Although I don't feel particularly responsible, that doesn't make it easier really.

And the meeting tonight. I will leave in a few minutes. Will I handle the drainage question well, make it clear to the commission? I hope so. I may need to write something up. I should leave very soon to see if there is anything in writing from the engineer.

I haven't felt this level of depression for quite some time. I had myself fooled into thinking I never would again, that I had beat it. I haven't. I know what to do, though. Talk, exercise as I can, keep my head up, keep seeing what's around me, stay alert, see the world. Understand that change is all there is.

I want to find that little book on Buddhism and finish it. Can't hurt, might help.

I know I'll be all right. It just takes time.
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed


The meeting is over. We all did what we could with questions about the engineering conditions but I didn't feel it all came out all that well. It made me tense, makes me edgy, makes me feel all revved up right now. I need to take lots of deep breaths. And maybe look for that yoga book again. I think I know where it is.
  • Current Mood
    nervous nervous