July 22nd, 2002


(no subject)

I feel like I finally got enough sleep but I spent so much time lying there, adjusting, readjusting. I am feeling like someone with insomnia.


I have lost a few friends lately, in the last several months. I looked at what happened to see if I could have done something differently to keep these friends. What I see is that I was being me, and being the person I am not ashamed to be. In other words, two of these friends were somehow offended by what I did or said. In both of those cases I was usually cautious, held back, because they are fragile persons. In the cases that caused them to cut me off, I was more direct, said what I actually felt.

I like to have friends who are off the usual track. Sometimes this means they are more easily hurt or are sensitive in unusual ways. I consider myself a sensitive person. But not always, no, not always. I don't always read people right, or choose the right action.

I can fret about it and try to be more sensitive. I think, though, that for my own well-being I am better off trying to find more resilient friends. Maybe I am just not cut out for the fragile ones. I know I can be like a bulldozer, and even though I am well-meaning that doesn't mean it's good for them.

I can't help but feel it's their loss!

I need, too, to be able to accept the passing of friends through my life, accept that it is a normal part of living. I would like a long-standing friendship to develop, even love, but there is no reason I can't accept what others offer as they enter and then leave my life. We don't always click on all fronts, or on enough fronts, to create a friendship that can really stand the test of time.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative


Lower body workout, Hips & thighs, 30 minutes. At first it felt like my leg wasn't going to handle even the modified moves, but as I got into it that leg relaxed some and actually came out okay. I don't know if I hurt anything by this. So far so good.

I picked up my X-rays from the orthopedist today and will bring them to the new guy tomorrow. I am hoping for some understanding and some direction I can follow, and of course for hope.
  • Current Mood
    pretty good