June 5th, 2002

Roman

(no subject)

I woke up several times last night, even though it was after midnight when I went to bed. I forsee a day of being tired, a desire for a nap in the early afternoon.
Roman

giving

Between seeing Deborah and hiking yesterday I went to Barnes & Noble. I often go there in hopes of meeting someone new, someone intelligent, someone who likes a good conversation. It rarely happens but I still hope.

This time I wandered over to the children's section and started picking out things for Joey's birthday in July. But now I know I will give him these things before then, next weekend in fact, in Desert Hot Springs. On my way somewhere else in there, I caught a look at a large book of photographs by Annie Leibowitz, with words, but not a lot of them, by Susan Sontag (did I spell that right?). It is called Women. I took it to a chair and started looking through it and loved it loved it loved it. It struck me that Tina would love it as well. So I plan to give it to her next weekend (weekend after this one, that is). But I didn't have enough money to buy it yesterday so I put it on hold.

I left the store feeling really good. I love it when I find something I think someone I know will love, and getting it, and I love it even more when it is unexpected. Of course we all like to be appreciated, I suspect. Maybe that's all it is with me. But hey, not entirely. I think it's not only nice to find gifts that are special for someone else but it is a gift itself - to be thinking of those others. I am always looking for such negative ways to explain what I do, and why? Sometimes I do things because I actually care about others. So I'm admitting that.
Roman

it's goddam hot out

in SLO the weather is HOT. I was already tired when I came home but that finished it. I lay down on the couch, starting to watch a LifeTime movie, then shut that off and fell asleep. I am awake now, barely.
Roman

coping

"coping" is my middle name. But I do get tired of it. It seems like my life is a series of efforts to cope. I take deep breaths, I work my way through an exercise video, I talk talk talk to myself, talk myself out of extending my bad feelings into other areas.

I guess it's easy to see why some would opt for meds instead. This is damned hard work. It gets easier, thank heaven, and I think I spend longer periods feeling good before I get into one where I'm feeling bad. There is usually a trigger, too, something I notice, something that gets the wheels rolling. Maybe I don't always guess at what it is specifically. Maybe bad feelings really come from something I ate. But that's irrelevant. I know how to work my way out, I know it takes the time it takes, and I do get tired of it when I'm doing it. Like now.
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    getting undepressed