June 3rd, 2002

Roman

ants!

There were a few ants running around my bathroom sink this morning. And now at work there are tons of them all over the kitchen. I am guessing it is getting dry out there.
Roman

another hit

I came home today to find a garbage bag full of my belongings, from Dwain's house. Stuff I had left there, things I had loaned him, plus photos he took of me in compromising positions. Left on my living room chair with my house keys on top. No note.

It's been over six months. It seems like this shouldn't matter, shouldn't hurt, yet it does. And ironically, he dumps this the week I intended to dump his stuff in his car. I have been gathering it for months but wanted to be sure I had it all and wanted to find a good place and time to slip it in without seeing him. I figured I'd put it in his car the night of the play. That may still be the plan. I can only hope it hurts him as much as his "gift" hurt me. I wish I didn't want to hurt him but I do.

That's a funny thing. I never wanted him to be hurt. I always wanted him to do what made him happy, even if it meant parting from me. But when that actually happened I didn't want him to be happy after all. And yet I knew for a long time that although we formed a very real bond we were not completely right for each other. There were things he did that I did not like. THere was the fact that he didn't listen to me as well as I listened to him. There was the fact of the other women in his life.

What was hardest was that he decided to narrow it down to one woman and that woman was not me. And it wasn't his wife, either, his wife of 27 years. And she wished him well. I want to, and I did, yet I am still hurting after all these months.
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
Roman

getting past it

So tonight I am giving in to the tears. But it doesn't help to have that entry staring me in the face when I check my journal. So I'll fill in the space with less painful things.

I'll do an exercise video and that may help a bit, raise the endorphins. I read recently that this "runner's high" thing may be a myth, but I do think that exercise does raise something, it certainly tends to improve my mood. It may only be because I know I've done something for myself in spite of the pressures inside me that say not to.
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
Roman

night

It was good I did the exercise. I actually enjoyed it, in a way. I'll get past this pain, too. I do know that. I think I'll stay up a while, though, make sure I'm really tired when I go to bed.