February 11th, 2002



small one, so far. I took excedrin migraine. Stress, worry. I think. No cramps last night and my legs feel fine.

Name that fear

Over the weekend I got to thinking about fears again. It is fears that hold us, keep us from getting where we may want to go. We are always facing fears in therapy.

I realized that the fear this time is of rejection, abandonment. I want to face this. To face it, I have to risk abandonment or rejection and be okay with the result. Be ready for the pain, not regret it.

I wrote to Dwain after seeing the play Saturday night, telling him I felt hurt about the things he had not told me. I had to remind myself that it does not matter if my feelings are legitimate or not. What matters is that I felt this way, and that I tell him how I felt.

He responded angrily, then followed that up with an apology. I was so glad! An angry response is so much more real than a considered, thoughtful response, or nothing at all. But I had to be ready for anything, worst of all ready for nothing. I felt that I was.

I am SO tired.

I went to bed early last night. But I woke up several times with the bit of a headache on the left side of my head. It wasn't terrible but it was bad enough I couldn't sleep well with it. And now I feel so very very tired. Of course, some of that could just be a reaction to that walking yesterday. I guess I am not as resilient as I like to think I am.


It occurred to me tonight that maybe my back ache last week came from the rehearsal last Monday night. The timing is right and for some reason I often do get back pain there. Tonight I did again. I was so tired it was hard to stay with it, but I made it through. The music is coming together well. We have to learn the lines very carefully because the harmonies have got to be right and they are not obvious. Now I have got to go to bed. I didn't take a nap this afternoon and I should have.