December 12th, 2001


(no subject)

My body plays weird tricks. Two days ago the scale said 193. Yesterday & today it says 195.5. I think there must be a lot of reasons for the variations, and I know it happens to me a lot. I figure now that my weight will creep down, maybe a half pound or so at a time.


It is sad to see a large check enter my bank and then go out the back door. Or almost. The Longyear money made it in yesterday and today I am many hundreds poorer, that is, much of that money is already gone. But I did pay car insurance for six months, some medical bills, another payment on Mary's computer, and I sent Mary & Elaine some of the money. So I did the right things. I am staying on top of my bank account so much better than I used to, not fooling myself.

body thoughts

I think about my body a lot. I like being this size, this smaller size. Easier to fit into clothes, to do things, to have things look good on me. I look at myself in the mirror, check to see how I look, still feel surprised sometimes. I suspect that the way I feel is similar to how many adolescents feel when they first discover their new bodies. So it embarrasses me and I sometimes think I shouldn't be thinking so much about it. Perhaps I will adjust over time. For now, though, I still worry. I worry that I will slip back into the old habits and grow larger. I have such mixed feelings. I think being thinner is a lot healthier and that's the big thing, but at the same time I think some large women are beautiful just the way they are. In other words, it isn't a matter of size but of your own self-perception. It is unfortunate that so many of us base our self-worth on our size.

out of sequence journals...

23 December 2001

I have only just now taken my laptop computer from my car. It had been there since my last visit here. I discovered the cord with transformer here next to the outlet, in fact. I would not have been able to start the computer at home, because the battery is clearly dead, perhaps forever, never to take a charge again.

It is yet early, not quite eight. Joey is not awake yet, mary is at work.

I had a hell of a headache last night but it went away, thank heaven. I think the tensions I usually experience while here played a part. My overly-sensitive daughters, each feeling Iam more devoted to the other. And my lurch from my regular routine, especially exercise. I told myself I would lighten up, figuratively, would not stress about not doing as much as usual. But it is still bothering me. I think in part because I eat differently and the food bothers me and makes me feel sluggy and not well and so I need the exercise even more.

Mary's tree looks good, well-surrounded with packages. I am looking forward to our Christmas. I think I found nice gifts and they will be appreciated. I think I found funny ones, too. I have gone in with Mary on a few, and with Elaine on one. Combining efforts is good, I think.

While at the video store yesterday buying gift cards, I found videos on sale for four for $20. Previously viewed but what the hell. I bought four. One I had seen before, Memento, and had wanted to own. The others I had heard of. That isn't all I bought for myself. I found picture frames at a dollar store. I wanted to buy myself long slacks at Lerners. Maybe I will, acctually. I don't think there is a Lerners anywhere near where I live so it may be a good idea to take advantage. Nice slacks and tall at that. Doesn't happen often.

Because I had not heard from Dwain I worried about the cats. I called him, at elaine's suggestion. His voice sounded so warm. I felt a rush of warmth myself. Maybe this is good, nice. Words on the computer only convey part of the message. That's what has been hardest for us both, I think.

Elaine gave me early presents - CDs she burned for me (and made lovely CD labels for ) inside a CD case, plus a nice lap blanket, warm and fuzzy. She has a hard time keeping these things to herself, I think! I am impatient, too. I feel especially impatient about the calendars I made for elaine & mary. Pictures of us, pictures of scenes along route 166, our birthdays. A personal calendar. I think it looks good and I am glad I made it happen. I originally wanted to make calendars for everyone in the family but I don't know all the birthdays so I gave up on that. Maybe next year. The binding is a challenge, anyway. For Elaine & mary's I found notebooks with transparent sleeves. Thin plastic covers, thin notebooks, six sleeves. So it was just right for 12 pages. I punched holes in the pages and in the covers of the books so it can hang. I thought it was pretty clever.

I am going to save this and the two journal entries I made in November - that never got posted correctly - on a disk, so I can add them to the journal when it is convenient.

It is cold outside. The mountains around Las Vegas have snow on them. We are talking of going to Mount Charleston after Christmas for the day. That seems a good idea. Getting out of las Vegas may be a good thing, too. But it was funny that when I rolled in Friday night it was almost like coming home. I don't feel the full warmth and nostalgia I might feel if I had actually lived here, but I had been here so often it does feel like home, or a simulation of home, which seems so very appropriate here.

About 5:00 p.m.

I made cookies. Joey helped decorate. They taste good, we made a good mess, they look cute. I am glad I did it!

December 24, early, about six

Mary came in last night at about one, from a party with co-workers. Edward, her new guy, drove her and stayed the night with her, is in her bedroom. Last night Elaine & I made banana bread and it came out really well. How comforting, this baking. I haven't done it in so long. Yet I have eaten more and exercised less these two last days. I was able to tell I had gone three days without exercise because when I sat on the couch my legs started doing that weird cramping thing they used to do. I had not realized that that was no longer happening - another benefit of my regular exercise. Today I am determined to get through kathy smith, whatever it takes, and it may take a lot.

It is not unusual for mary to be out of the usual staples. I wonder why. I tend to go overboard the other way, putting by for rainy days, which may be a sign that I too did this, used to do this. I think I did, in fact, run out of stuff more often. Right now the problem is toilet paper. Yesterday I got her milk and eggs (she did have those but didn't know how old they were) and more juice and diapers and dishwasher detergent. It is a bitch getting by now, for her, because she is making less than ever.

Both Elaine & Mary work today. We'll do our Christmas tonight because mary works tomorrow too. We plan to use gift certificates Mary got as a Christmas bonus to have dinner and then go to a movie (probably Ali) tomorrow night.

I just met Edward. Not what I expected at all. Very brief meeting, though.

I am going to save this now, to disk, and try to send it, get it posted.