December 8th, 2001



I kept waking, or rather, I woke and could not get back to sleep. So here I am. I lie in bed, restless, on these nights, the thoughts buzzing, and I can't get rid of them.

I think of Dwain and I think of work. I think, "Why didn't he want me?" and remember, of course, that there is no reason. I think of how that report went, how Randy changed everything without first discussing it with me, I think how he met the owner at the site because he wanted "a little one-on-one" and how that make me look and it irritates me. I don't know how long I am going to be willing to stay there, where my integrity and function is eroded by things like this.

to be tough

I am watching Gina Lollobrigida in Woman of Straw. She leaves her post as nurse because her patient is cruel and demanding. She is, at the same time, attracted to her patient's nephew. When his nephew comes to demand that she return, she says only if the patient comes himself to ask her. "And if he doesn't?" "Then it's over, for once and for all." Would that I could be so tough, so strong. That's what I need. It sounds, feels, liberating, to be that strong. I need to be able to say good by so I can say hello.

(no subject)

I went shopping. Got some clothes for Elaine, some toys for Joey, a dress for me. I looked at VCRs and DVD players at three places but didn't buy any. I am thinking maybe I'll get myself a new VCR and give Mary my old one. That seems sensible. My old one is old but well made. It works perfectly. So many decisions, though. I looked up the best buys on and found just one of those models in those three places. Maybe I could print out a longer list and find what they say about other models. If the price is right and the model not a dog, I could buy it.