December 5th, 2001


coming and going and doing all the regular things...

I did Kathy Smith today. But not until I had eaten everything edible in the house and gone to sleep for a while. I felt so tired. I stopped the eating, though, so no permanent damage, so to speak.

I continue to think about Dwain and me. Realizing that he does think, maybe 90% of the time, just about himself. Doesn't think about my feelings or needs. I remember,though, that he has fought for pay raises for his employees, has gone to the mat for them, because he was able to see that they deserved them. I don't think that's what a truly selfish man would do. So I feel there is hope there. At the same time, I think I would be better off with someone who is more generous with his time and thoughts, who would think about me more, would care what I felt. As I would care about him.

I was a good match for Dwain, for him to have it his way. I was willing to go more than halfway for him. Would I still? I don't know. I'd like to have him in my life as a friend, though, I really would, and hope that I can. More than electronically. It seems like the pain is decreasing as I realize more that this is not my fault, that there is not anything wrong with me. I am beginning to believe that, I think.