December 2nd, 2001


It's over

I don't feel so great. THe concert went all right - as well as, perhaps, could be expected, but for some reason I didn't feel great about it, not even as good as Friday night. Maybe because I was not as on top of it as I like to be. I feel like sludge warmed over today. I woke early but was able to get back to sleep. Even so, I do feel SOOOO tired. I am having my usual weekend down time, too, thinking too much about Dwain.

boy oh boy

This vague upset feeling in my stomach. I am tired of it, want something better. You never know. Maybe today something wonderful will happen. I plan to go see some monologues at Cal Poly. I will watch how they do and what the monologues are like, and maybe have thoughts about my own monologue or maybe even talk to someone there. I don't, usually, talk.

This morning maybe some Christmas shopping.


I saw the monologues at Cal Poly. There were twelve, between three and four minutes each, connected by a theme: the search for love, understanding. The students were terrific and the direction and staging simple and effective. I was very impressed. I was particularly moved by the last monologue, a young woman acting as a drug addict, crying for her mother to help her. The young woman gave herself fully to it and it almost made me cry. Probably it would have if I had let it.

I left there thinking I'd write one myself, a short monologue, written to Dwain. I went to the cafe in Barnes & Noble, took out my notebook and a pencil, and began to write. I wrote feverishly until it was done and I felt such relief. I think it may be schlock, may be overwritten, but how much it helped me! I will now type it here, make some changes, let it rest.


I am cooking some beans I got at the farmers market yesterday. They are called "Indian Woman" beans, are a pretty brown color, and they were packed with four little chipotle chiles, which I tossed in the pot too. They smell so wonderful! I think the main smell is the chiles. I wonder how hot they will end up, given that they get hotter the longer they cook.