November 30th, 2001


day by day

Boy, this is hard getting over. I keep thinking of what might have been. Always a useless exercise. But I get through each day and figure in time it won't hurt at all. Not at all.

another insight, an old one really: I am afraid of my own anger. I am afraid to express it because I think I will lose people if I do. It seems unforgivable.

today's horoscope

Breszny says:
. . . you can't reprogram yourself until you deprogram. And seeing as how deprogramming requires the destruction of outmoded brain circuitry, it doesn't always feel real bouncy and peppy and fluffy. What does this have to do with you? Everything. You're right in the middle of your deprogramming season, with the reprogramming phase soon to follow.

I am not a big follower of astrology. There may be a way that the time of year we are born has some effect on our personalities - not the stars but the time - yet sometimes these things do hit the mark. This one is especially apt. And offers hope, which is what I need.

(no subject)

I think about the many marriages and other unions that are far from ideal and I have to remind myself that I am better off, probably, not having any at all. At least for now. And I must be careful about what I let myself in for in the future.

Still, I'd sure like to have someone with me now. Someone to go places with, to do things with, to share pleasures and work, to discuss things with. It's hurting again. I am almost perverse in the way I keep twisting this knife inside me. Am I helping myself heal or just the opposite?