November 18th, 2001


Sunday morning

I continue to feel the pain in my stomach. I won't always have it. I won't always have it the way I have it now, that is. I started an email to Dwain telling him I will be okay, saying he deserves happiness, but I wasn't able to say it right. I will wait. I don't want to cause him any more heartache - at the same time I want to retain our friendship. I don't want him to forget me. Why do I think he will?

winning solitaire

I just won another game of solitaire. I have gotten as good as most, I suppose, now that we all have this game. The thing is to win at the solitaire of life!

I am watching Rear Window. I wonder how many times I have seen this. Miss Lonelyhearts. I think the perception was then that if you did not have a partner you had to be lonely and you might drink, as she does. I am not going that route but I can see the attraction. I can also see the futility in it, thank heaven.

(no subject)

I seem able to put aside the pain for such little moments, such a short amount of time. I am trying to think about the opportunities in front of me, the possibilities, endless. I am free, I am attractive, I am healthy, independent, a good listener, I am compassionate, intelligent, able to learn. But what's missing? Maybe that doesn't matter?

Another movie

I saw The Man Who Wasn't Three. Quite a movie. Really sucked me in, made me laugh, made me wonder. I hadn't seen any movies in a long time and now two in one weekend. I would have stayed downtown for dinner but couldn't handle eating alone in a restaurant. Not something that normally bothers me, but I really wanted company. Almost enough to find some stranger on the street and invite him or her. That person would have had a story to tell, anyway.


Before the movie, though, I did Tracie's Maximum Body Shaping. I really like this workout but am concluding that I can move along, get some kind of low step and go for the Tortoise & Hare workouts. I tried doing pushups from my feet today, first time, and of course it was very difficult. What is amazing is that I was able to do any part of that at all, though. I didn't do them all that way, reverted to my knees. that's okay. I think, too, I may be ready to move up to 12-pounders for the pec flies. flys? Change is good, moving onward is good. I think being with people is good, even though I don't say anything, don't have anyone to talk to.

Taking it apart

I am trying to figure out what is causing the pain. What am I telling myself?

I think: that I am undesirable. That I am not sexy. That I am not lovable. That I have failed. THat I have done something wrong. tHat I talk too much. That I don't express myself enough. All of these?