November 17th, 2001



I think a part of the grieving process is remembering. Remembering at first with pain, then with fondness. I have been remembering, and sometimes the memories are very good.

Perhaps I will write them in here, preserve them this way. I have to think about it because these memories tell a lot about me that I may not want to share this way. And yet it seems right, too.

195.5 pounds today. I stepped on the scale twice to confirm. This seems to be the way it works when it works, that I drop down dramatically and then inch back up a pound or so and then hold, and then drop again many days later. If this continues it will be just fine with me, I will know I am doing something right.

Embrace it embrace it

I had a busy day today, but now that I am home again my stomach is hit with the pain of being alone, of hurting, of what? I know I need to embrace it, face it, don't run from it. Yet it is hard, it is.

Good hikes in the Los Osos Oaks Preserve and the Elfin Forest, then a look at the seals above San Simeon, then to Pat's house, where I spent two hours talking. In pain. I just have to live through it. And remember, tomorrow something wonderful could happen.

What to do what to do

It's been hard tonight. I talked to both Elaine and Mary, and that helped. Mike called and I talked to him too, and that helped. I don't want to spend all my time avoiding, so I stayed home rather than go somewhere tonight.

I have been thinking, what's the right thing to do? I thought maybe write to Dwain and tell him I will be all right. I know that I will, eventually. What's the right thing to say? And how? I am not sure. I want to do what's right, what will not make anyone hurt any more than they already do. I need to let go of any hope in this area and wish him well in his new life. How to do that and sound right? I need to feel it. I may need to wait a little longer so it is really real.