November 16th, 2001


(no subject)

I want to write. I have no idea what. I took out my notebook today and looked at a little thing I'd sketched out on being a baby. I did a cluster and wrote something of a poem on being a baby again. Maybe I could work with that, make it better. Or I could do other clustering, going for memories. Dredging. I think writing may save me.

Not having such a good time

After work, Friday, weekend ahead. I even left work early today because I worked through lunch. Got gas, had lunch, bought a few groceries, went home. I read a fitness magazine, scanned it really, got discouraged. I am fighting the down time right now. Everything seems to loom LONELY right now.


I got to thinking tonight about the man I want to meet. I want a man who will do the little things with me, who will go out with me, go shopping, relax, sit with me, watch a video, go to a movie...I started to visualize this. I missed this in Dwain, so what I really want is a Dwain who will do these things. I imagined other men, men I have known - or similar to men I have known - who would be more than willing to be there with me, would practically move in the first day. I don't want that! So I am stuck here, wondering. I want a Dwain who does these things, yet Dwain doesn't do these things. Is it an impossibility? I mean, do I want what I cannot have? Is that the thing? For example, if Dwain didn't like dance (watching it, not doing it) would I want him to like it? That's not a good example.

I think I need to be able to visualize this person. It has to make sense. It doesn't yet.


I saw Waking Life tonight. What a fabulous film! I was so taken by it. It's about a young man (played by Richard Linklater) who finds himself in one dream after another, talking to others, listening to others, and each scene is animated by different persons and looks very different from the others. It is visually wonderful and the talking I love, it is so like those "deep conversations" we lived for when we were young and still do sometimes.

I had a picture of the film being played on a large-screen television in a house while a party is going on. People could listen to segments and take off in their own conversations from the conversations on screen, pick and choose. It would be like expanding the film into the house and beyond. I love the idea. I suggested it to Elaine.