November 14th, 2001


(no subject)

Sunday, 9 am. I am foolishly writing in Word again, thinking I'll load it sometime. Joey is at the computer with a game. I have been trying to show him the connection between the mouse and the arrow on the screen, so he can have more control. If I were here all the time this would be easy to follow up. But he'll figure out a lot of it anyway.

I feel frustrated again. I don't know what I want. If I had the day to myself what would I do? What about the music I should be practicing? I should get the disk out of the car so I can at least listen to it on my laptop, and sing along with it. Get some of the words better.

I will call elaine and we'll plan. That will help. I think what I want is to have someone else here with me.


elaine is called. Joey is mostly dressed. I am mostly dressed. Joey is playing a coloring game and actually doing some things right.

Exercise. I haven't been doing it. It is getting to me. There is only so much I can do in this situation. The VCR doesn't work so I can't do a video. Walks are tough with Joey, can't go far enough and the streetswell. Not so interesting. I will have to get back in the groove when I get home.

Monday morning 5:20

We went to an English pub-wannabe last night, Mary & I. Elaine opted out. Had a beer and mozzarella sticks, talked. That was good, really. I think I had several times to talk to both Elaine & Mary and I think that for me it was good. The insight that has stuck with me, that I have discussed with E & M, is that I have gone too far to please others, that I have been too needy, too afraid.

Yesterday morning Elaine & I took Joey to the Palms for breakfast. There wasn't an open table in mary's section so we had to wait. Her manager was a bitch, telling us primly to stand behind the line while we waited and then ignoring us except to glare when Joey tried to get inside to see his mom. We would have walked if it weren't for Mary. Someone should let the management know - the upper management - that this woman is not good for business. The breakfast was good, though, when we finally got in. I decided while eating that I may as well enjoy it. I was not having a perfect meal for me, but it tasted good so why not enjoy it.

I will have coffee with Elaine and then head out, a day later than intended. I don't know how I am going to get caught up with the music I was going to study today. I will try to concentrate on a few pieces, improve those.

(no subject)

I think I am thinking of Dwain more than I did before he dumped me. But I do go back and forth from the gut-level pain to the hope. New beginning, fresh start. I feel like I need to clear out my life. Everything connects with Dwain even though he may have had nothing to do with it. A few changes could make a difference.


The codeine didn't make me sick last night. I even took the second one later in the evening. It did make me a little bit fuzzy, not too much. Right now I am feeling a little of that fuzziness. I wonder if this is how tranquilizers feel. If so, I can understand why one would want to use them. Takes the edge off. Trouble is, it doesn't handle the problem. I suspect that as soon as I stopped taking them I would plunge.

getting through

I wrote to Dorothy about the breakup. I find I do have some friends. She is especially good, I think, being non-judgmental. Phyllis, well meaning, is too inclined to put her own interpretation on things, to jump to conclusions. So many people are like that. I think I need everyone I can get right now.

I also need someone to watch over Bullet when I am gone to Three Rivers. Dwain usually does that. I think I should not ask him right now. Later we may both be fine with that but not now. I can't think of anyone I know in town, though, whom I would feel comfortable asking.