November 12th, 2001



Got a bit of one. I would have stayed in bed if I hadn't. I hope I can make an appointment with Jill for today.

with warmest regards

I got a short email from Dwain today. He sent me an mp3, which my slow connection can't download, and said yes, please do write of everyday things (as I had said I want to do, to help me over this). He ended with, "with warmest regards". I felt like taking that phrase and stabbing him with it. This is all he feels after three years with me, three years of love? This is all that remains?

(no subject)

I am shaking again. Crying. Wondering why. I feel that if I understand what happened that it would help me not feel so hurt. But there's no reason, really, to think that.

I am packing some things in the back bedroom, Elaine's stuff, that I will send to her. Preparation for moving furniture. Keep busy. I know that to keep busy is to keep some things at bay, yet at the same time it is hard to want to do anything.


I bought quite a number of books at the library book sales the last two days. This is what I got:
Dorothy Sayers: The centenary celebration - a collection of essays on Sayers' works
Marion Zola: All the Good Ones are Married - about women who date married men (1981)
Peter Manso: Mailer - His Life and Times
Phyllis Chesler: Women & Madness (When is a woman mad and who is it who decides?)
Natalie Angier: Woman: An Intimate Geography
Carl Hiaasen: Native Tongue (novel)
Ruth Rendell: Anna's Book (mystery)
Women: A Feminist Perspective, Fifth Edition (latest copyright 1995)
The Journals of John Cheever
E. L. Doctorow: Billy Bathgate (novel)
Philip Roth: My Life as a Man (novel)
Jonathan Harr: A Civil Action (novel - airplane reading)
Alexander Solzhenitsyn: August 1914 (novel)
John Updike: S. (novel)
Jean de Brunhoff: Babar and Father Christmas (for Joey)
Paul Theroux: My Secret History (novel)

All for about $10. It's quite a haul, I think.

Taking control

I made an appointment with Jill, for Wednesday afternoon.

I talked to Mary this morning, too. I told her some of my feelings, as usual. She said she has gotten so she doesn't trust men at all, always thinks they are lying. That they'll do anything to get a woman in bed and that's all there is. I share some of her cynicism, especially now. I continue to feel that Dwain was as honest with me as he knew how to be. I don't know how it could have been different, I still don't. I hope I can figure that out.


Another long and fruitful rehearsal. Made me tired, of course. I met Phyllis afterward and made a date for lunch for tomorrow. She said she noticed something about my hair...but wasn't sure! I thought it was really obvious! What will it take to be really obvious? I am betting that people at work will figure it out right away.

Time time time heals all wounds? It doesn't seem so right now but I have to remember other times.