November 11th, 2001


(no subject)

Still, emptiness. I am going to try to retrieve some sense of normalcy by writing of everyday things to Dwain, chattering as I have for so long. I am so used to telling him about everything going on in my life and now I have just been speaking of the pain, both his and mine.

Sorting it out

I feel that Dwain did not mean to hurt me. He never expected this to happen to him.

I have noticed that he pursues pleasure often without thinking of consequences. He has hurt others over the years because of this. He could have infected me with a STD because he has not used condoms and there's no guarantee that every other encounter has been clean.

He lost a love once before because he was reminded of his commitment to Alex, to staying in the marriage and being there for him. Now he has fallen in love again and he does not want to give it up. But he can't have it on his usual terms - and I suspect that he does not want to. The last time he fell in love he wanted to marry the woman. This time he is willing to be monogamous for her.

I don't know what this love is, in comparison to the feelings he has had for others, including me. He would not be looking for what I call "love".

He loved me but was not in love with me. And to him, the second is apparently more important. I don't pretend to understand it. But I see this: he was not willing to change his life for me. He was not willing to let me be a part of that life, more than I was. I was not involved in his work, not in his plays (except peripherally), not in his family. Initially I did get into his house and those were wonderful, special times, but when Alex figured out the type relationship we had it all went to hell. I did not go back. So we were less and less connected in the everyday ways. We saw each other in evenings sometimes. Sometimes just sat on my porch and talked. And that became what was special to me. We also had sex, but that became, to me, less. I wanted him to continue to desire me, though. I still want him to desire me.

We did a few things recently that gave me hope. We went to Los Angeles together, a one-day trip. We have gone to concerts and other events since the beginning.

Writing about this hurts.

I see Dwain in my mind, in bed with someone else, telling her things he has said to me, and telling her more, much more. I can't help wondering why. I feel very hurt. The fact of it is, he isn't right for me. I need to get that through my thick skull. I need to move on. I need to clear out any thoughts of what he may be doing or saying to anyone else. I need to let go of any expectations, any dreams I had for the future.

But I also need to understand why I get into these kinds of relationships. From early days, I have fallen in love with men who are in love with someone else. They can't be there fully for me. None of them, ever. I think it is "safer" for me, not being the full meal. But it is not satisfying, obviously. Not for me, anyway. They can't be there for me. I need someone who can be. I don't need someone, I want someone. Is it in the cards for me?

I have been thinking I should make an appointment with Jill. A short-term thing, just to get past the pain and on to the rest of my life. I will get past it myself, eventually, but maybe she can help me sort this out and get closer to the right track. It's worth a try.

(no subject)

I went downtown, had a mocha and bagel at Starbucks, then sat in B&N for a while, reading. I also bought the latest Sierra Club guide to hikes in SLO county. I feel like hiking but don't know where. I also feel like crying on someone's shoulders and have considered that. Calling Pat or Dorothy. I probably won't, will probably leave them in peace, but I am much tempted.


I went down to Oceano and did the Oso Flaco Lake hike - to the ocean. It's less than a mile, easy, on a nice boardwalk. Beautiful, very natural. What a wonder. I am so glad I went there. As I stood on the walkway that crosses the lake, watching the ducks and coots, I thought how much better this is than Sea World. It did help me with my mood, too, although I was constantly thinking of Dwain. One thing I thought: he'd never have gone there with me. I think he went to the lake itself with Alex not long ago. But I don't think he'd go to the beach. No.

the good thing

I got my little editing job out of the way today. I finished writing the comments and sent them to the writer. I feel such a load off my mind. I was hugely late with it but I did it. Getting little jobs done makes such a difference. Too bad there are so many of them.