November 10th, 2001

Roman

Gotta dance

Mary called last night. She was feeling concern for me, after reading my journal. It was great talking to her, and it probably helped me through the night. Although I woke way too early.
Roman

torture

I have chosen to be who I am. I will not stand in the way of Dwain's or anyone else's happiness. I have long felt that if you really love someone you will (violins here) let him go...

But there is always that other option. Fighting for him. I don't feel it is the right thing to do but still I wonder about it, wonder if I am all wet in my thinking. It seems so ill-advised to fight for someone who doesn't want you. No, I shouldn't and I won't.
Roman

cooking therapy

I just put together a crockpot of lentil soup makings. It is comforting cutting the onions, carrots, peppers, adding seasonings, stirring it, throwing in a few fresh basil leaves. The physical part of cooking is somehow energizing, or can be. I think working with your hands on anything can be this way.
Roman

(no subject)

I went for a walk. Just to walk. And to pick up a paper, to look at what's going on today. I think I will go to Wal-Mart to get camping stuff and then to the south county library, where they are having a book sale. Right now, though I feel very tired. I didn't sleep much, got up too early after going to bed too late.

I didn't see any dance lessons! Shoot! Just when I am ready to begin.

I think I can handle the pain because I think Dwain will come around eventually. We'll be friends. There is no reason our friendship should not endure this. I don't think he ever imagined anything like this happening. He had fallen in love once and the ending of that affair caused him so much pain he was fond of saying it is better not to have loved at all. So he was not ready for it to happen again and had no experience to use as a guide. What I saw in his past was that he still is on good terms with his former lovers, wherever they all are. I always saw this as a good sign, and imagined that if we broke up we would remain on good terms, too. I never imagined this.
Roman

(no subject)

I sit here playing solitaire. Is there a thing called solitaire therapy? Maybe not. Maybe it comes under the heading of "escape".

I got camping stuff from Wal-Mart, then went to the book sale and got several books for under five bucks. Not great books, probably, but good for camping! And other things. Since I was nearby, I then went to the "village of Arroyo Grande". Cute, you see, that's what that is. I remembered that there is a coffee place there and I wanted to check it out and wander around a bit. Which I did. I ended up sitting on a bench reading for a while after. The weather was nice, it was pleasant. But still.

Now I am watching a movie on USA, need to finish it, but I am also playing solitaire.
Roman

working out, working up

As I did Stacy & Jennifer, I tried smiling. Letting the body lead the mind. It was - and is - very difficult right now. It's raining outside. I have always liked rain and I like it now. That's a nice thing. And there's a LifeTime movie to distract me once again. LifeTime Therapy again. Is it LifeTime that advertises Cinematherapy? Doesn't matter.
Roman

Cleaning therapy

I am washing the kitchen floor, on my knees, with a rag and sponge. The floor is pitted and stained so even when clean doesn't look all that great, but it does look more even, better, and more sanitary. Doing this does distract me and give me some sense of purpose for the moment.
Roman

rain

The rain sound is good. There is a party across the street so there have been many cars going through tonight, parking, unparking, making their ways around. Every now and then it sounds like one is coming into my driveway but of course that is never so.

The kitchen floor looks much better.
Roman

chatting therapy

I thought I'd try a Yahoo chat tonight. Within a minute there were several guys popping up in private boxes, and everyone wanted to show me his webcam. I put mine on and even flashed them my breasts. What a group! It was funny, really. At least it's nice to know some people find me attractive. But I have to remember what Ray said a while back - you just have to have the parts...men will go for it. Simplistic and not true, of course, of all men.