November 6th, 2001


Up too early

I woke at 4:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. I finally got up. I am okay now but have the suspicion that I will crash in the middle of work today. Or right when I get home. Good thing I don't have any place to go tonight.

and so I did

I came home from work, grabbed a bowl of cereal, and went to sleep. I just woke up, stared at the clock, wondered what day it was, what time of day, finally realized I hadn't slept a long time. Just well.


Dwain came over tonight to tell me he has fallen in love with someone else. He has promised her monogamy (not something he has practiced much in his life). I am not a hysterical female and I wasn't tonight. I am writing now because I need to. This is how I cope with intense emotion.

I think I would have made a good wife in an arranged marriage. The type marriage where the mate is chosen for suitability, similarity. I would expect to be paired with someone intelligent, a close match in background, in values. I would be committed, I would work things through and maybe we would even love each other ultimately. I have the right kind of persistence.

But I don't demand enough, I think. Perhaps this is what I should look at in the future. I am so afraid of losing men that I will suffocate my desires rather than demand what I need for myself. I don't know how to balance it all. I don't want to be a shrew or to think only of myself but I must be more open about what I need and be more willing to lose, to take chances.

I am hurting a lot right now. It will be okay, I am sure, maybe it won't take so long, maybe the depths won't be as deep as they've been other times. One reason is that we are still friends and we will retain that friendship, and in some ways the friendship has always been more important to me. I think we do have a special friendship, special to us both. I hope the pull of that friendship will continue to be strong for Dwain, that the lack of sexual contact will not keep him from seeing me as a friend.

I must hang on to myself. I cannot give in to any base urges - to eat, for example. Thank heaven I have taken care of myself for my own good, not for Dwain's. That was a bonus. I will continue. Will it be harder? I wonder.