August 30th, 2001


(no subject)

I get my teeth cleaned today. I don't so much mind the teeth cleaning as I do the little assessments. This one is bleeding a little, that one has a little deeper pocket...generally I have managed to keep them level for quite a while, so there are no major concerns. But there may be some decay or something, which the periodontal dentist does not check. I have another appointment for that, in September. Sometimes I envy people with false teeth just because they don't have to go in for these things, but I know that this is really absurd. Real teeth are preferable, even teeth with bridges.

Getting clean teeth

I never look forward to getting my teeth cleaned, but sometimes it is a good experience. When I walked in today, I noticed that the decorating demon had had her way with the place again. More, even, than usual. There was a nautical theme this time, perhaps because there is no holiday soon that has easy symbols. Shells, starfish, something that looked like an aquarium. Stones surrounding a burning candle - that one gave me pause. Seathings strung from the ceiling.

This is the decorator's favorite technique. Hanging things straight down from the ceiling. I first noticed it in the patient rooms: Christmas balls, Easter eggs, hearts. The hygeinist is not fond of these touches but she's kind; she doesn't actually tell me whose fault they are.

Because of this stuff, which I noticed, which I could not not mention, I started telling Anne about the craft shows I have taken to watching in the early mornings. It became very funny. She thinks it's good material - so do I. She told me some odd stories about persons she has known that also struck me as good material. Much of the hour there, it seemed, was spent talking. Of course it is hard for me to talk with instruments in my mouth so it took longer than usual. I didn't mind; I don't think she did.

Ah Tracy

Tracy Long, that is. Of FIRM fame. I did no. 84 today, the "Maximum Body Shaping" video, which is my favorite now. That one is so well designed that the time flies by, and I always feel like I have done something at the end. I concentrate on form a lot now.

Lately it seems like I actually have lower abdominal muscles. This is a new thing.

Diligence, persistence, resistance

I think that I am more persistent than most but also more resistant. I am thinking of the way I have changed myself over the years. I have hung in, kept at it even when I could see little change or no change. But I also lose it on a fairly regular basis. It's as if my self rises up to meet my self, says nyah nyah, see what you can do about this...

I resist change. I resist doing the right thing.

I am tired of having this extra weight on me, even though I suspect I am as healthy as I need to be, that I don't really need to lose any more to gain in health. I look at the softness of my stomach and try to see it as something beautiful, something warm and feminine and me, but I resist it. I look at the sagginess under my arms and think that if I lost some more weight maybe that would be enough, that would make it possible for me to wear sleeveless tops without fear. . . yet i will open a bag of popcorn or fix a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before going to bed, all along telling myself this is the way to no way. I resist the work it takes, at least part of the time, enough of the time, so that I remain in this one place, treading water, spinning a wheel, noticing a little gain in strength now and then but it's not enough. I don't know if I am making any sense but I don't have to, not here.