July 30th, 2001


Dancing in the light

I have to keep talking myself through my self-doubts. I tell myself that if Dwain finds someone else more desirable that it is well that I know it. It is my job, then, to let him go, to not stand in his way, and not to let myself be defined by it. It's true that someone my age and of my personality is going to find it easier to be hit by lightning than to meet someone with whom I could spend the rest of my life. I think it's realistic to let go of the idea, to relax and enjoy who I am now.

Who I am now is a person who suddenly gets up and starts dancing when she hears the right music. I have never been a dancer and am too self-conscious to get out there on a dance floor, but this urge overtakes me lately, in my living room, and there I am, using my whole body, turning, and stepping, moving up and back, pumping my arms forward or to the sides, bumping my hips, enjoying it, not wanting to let it go. It happens out of nowhere. It's like one of those films I have seen, the person dancing around the living room alone. Meg Ryan did it in the nude and sometimes I do too but not usually. That I do it at all is surprising, something different in me.

Number 65?

I think I did Firm no. 65 today. I am going to have to adjust something, make sure I am doing a sensible program here. I do full-body workouts almost every day, six days a week. The only time I don't is when I do the lower-body one. I think I need to get an upper bod workout and a stretching one. I found a stretching video online that sounds good, should be a good addition, that's by a chiropractor. I just feel I am not flexible enough and I get pains that feel like overuse pains sometimes.