I am printing out Ray's mail, thinking about this, reminding myself. This reminds me of what women often do on the job: work hard, do what we're told, and then wonder why we don't get where we want.
Ray suggests that I remember that whatever I did in a relationship, however I felt, was the way I felt at the time. No reason for guilt, in other words. He put it another way: "consequences are not as bad as the reponsibility for the consequences." Yes, I'll feel loss and loneliness but not guilt.
Of course, the main reason I stay in any relationship is this feeling of loss. It is so painful that I will do almost anything to avoid it. I need to pay attention to what I am doing now and find a way to go forward again, risk again, yet be able to let go if it doesn't feel right. I wonder if it would be easier if I initiated it.