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I am depressed right now. I know I will get past it and I know how and I'll do what I need to do. Right now though I am sad and I'll stay sad for a while.

When I was feeding Bullet today I noticed some red bubbles coming from his mouth. Blood? What is going on in there? Does it hurt? I want to call the vet and make an appointment to bring him in again, but first I want to clean him up. I can't stand that he is looking so sad, so matted, so messy, not what he wants to be. So I am going to clear space in the kitchen so I can try to clean him gently. I have developed a method for keeping the mess off him in future feedings: I just keep a towel over his fur, between the fur and the feeding tube, and when it splats it splats on the towel. So if I can get the fur clean I might be able to keep it that way. We'd both feel better. And if I have to say goodby to him soon I will feel better that I at least did that for him.

It is too hard for me to call anyone right now. I need to back off the sadness a bit first.

I wonder if the vet thinks about these things. I think I am stronger than most companion animal people. But maybe I hurt more? Does she expect I will throw in the towel or tough it out? Either way it's not a good situation. I wish I had asked more questions before we got here. Might not have made a difference but I would have understood more, sooner. The bottom line here is I want to do what is best for Bullet and I don't know what it is.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 30th, 2008 06:33 am (UTC)
Oh, I am so sorry, Judith. This is all so painful for both of you. I'm thinking, saying some prayers for you both.

By the way, my picture is of my Kimby who we were grace to have in our home for 18 years. She loved a wad of yarn that my kids named "Tuby". That's what is draped over her head. I sure miss her. She was Mom of the house. If the kids were being naughty she came and told on them. :)

Sep. 30th, 2008 01:55 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Dar. As you know, I record these feelings so that I won't lose them, so that I will remember. My Bullet has given us all a ton of memories, too. I feel like I am mourning already and that makes it extra-hard.
Sep. 30th, 2008 02:47 pm (UTC)
aw, i'm sorry about your kitty, judith.

every animal is sacred.

thinking of you today.
Sep. 30th, 2008 03:17 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )


Judith Lautner
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