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I am depressed right now. I know I will get past it and I know how and I'll do what I need to do. Right now though I am sad and I'll stay sad for a while.

When I was feeding Bullet today I noticed some red bubbles coming from his mouth. Blood? What is going on in there? Does it hurt? I want to call the vet and make an appointment to bring him in again, but first I want to clean him up. I can't stand that he is looking so sad, so matted, so messy, not what he wants to be. So I am going to clear space in the kitchen so I can try to clean him gently. I have developed a method for keeping the mess off him in future feedings: I just keep a towel over his fur, between the fur and the feeding tube, and when it splats it splats on the towel. So if I can get the fur clean I might be able to keep it that way. We'd both feel better. And if I have to say goodby to him soon I will feel better that I at least did that for him.

It is too hard for me to call anyone right now. I need to back off the sadness a bit first.

I wonder if the vet thinks about these things. I think I am stronger than most companion animal people. But maybe I hurt more? Does she expect I will throw in the towel or tough it out? Either way it's not a good situation. I wish I had asked more questions before we got here. Might not have made a difference but I would have understood more, sooner. The bottom line here is I want to do what is best for Bullet and I don't know what it is.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 30th, 2008 01:55 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Dar. As you know, I record these feelings so that I won't lose them, so that I will remember. My Bullet has given us all a ton of memories, too. I feel like I am mourning already and that makes it extra-hard.
Sep. 30th, 2008 02:47 pm (UTC)
aw, i'm sorry about your kitty, judith.

every animal is sacred.

thinking of you today.
Sep. 30th, 2008 03:17 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )


Judith Lautner
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