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Last night was Kathy Smith. I got into it in an email to Elaine, which I reproduce here:

The weirdest things go through my head. Maybe that's because I've
lived so long and my life has been so fucked up at times.

I did a Kathy Smith vid today. Her "functionally fit fat burning" vid. As
you might expect, it's a good workout. As you might also expect, the music
is unmemorable and the choreography is not exciting. She explains every
move well, so even I can do it. She's one of the best, I think, for really
teaching the stuff. But in a way that's a problem for me! I know there are
six separate 2-minute intervals in the videos and i count them. I know how
many of this, how much of that, because she's always telling us. In other
words, she doesn't keep me enough off-guard to stay interested. Mostly, I
go through the motions.

It is, as I said, a really good workout, well designed, aerobic and
good for lower body strength and balance. I bought it for its aerobic
benefits. The FIRM videos are not as good at getting the heart rate up.
Here's something else, though, about me. Because I grew up fat and lived
most of my life fat, I developed a fear of overextending, of gettnig out
of breath, of overdoing things. My big body was hard to move and it took a
lot of energy and it often hurt so I developed a fear and compromised
things. I still have a big body and it still takes more to move it than
most people have to do. But it is easier and I don't tire as quickly. I do
have these knees that hurt and I worry about them and adjust for them.

So, even though I can do a lot more and not get so tired, I still have
that fear. This video includes six intense 2-minute intervals spaced
between slower sections. IN the 2-minute sections I can almost get into a
panic. I don't, no, but the fear is there.

Now another thing about this particular video. One of the people in the video is short and muscular. Her body is a lot like ***'s. Her hair is blond and cut short, and also
reminds me of ***'s. There may be some other woman who looks like this somewhere in my past, but I can't think who. What happens, though, is that I have a strange yet intense dislike of this woman. So when the camera focuses on her I turn away, I try not to look. I have no idea how to get past this.

Yet, as I say, it's a good video and I do it about once a week. I might do well to do it more often but for me it is less absorbing mentally than the FIRM videos so it seems to take longer. Not a lot longer or anything but it just seems like I am counting the minutes. Some of the FIRM videos raise my spirits, because I get a kick out of the music
choices and the moves. And I like the rapid and no- nonsense way the instructors lead us through. NO wasted time at all.

I am now clean from a shower and wearing a dress I bought last week at Scolari's. It is a sun dress, I guess it would be called. straps, short, a flower print - in pinks - a stretchy fabric, a little flare in the skirt. Really simple and it looks cute except that my legs have that old-age flabbiness. With stockings I think even I could get away with it on eekends. For now, I am wearing it inside. I can look at myself and like it.

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