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maybe the last one

Dear D,

I thought I was enough past it, over you, but I guess I'm not. I still harbor resentments. I may actually be "getting in touch with my anger" at last.

This morning I happened upon something you wrote on your SF website about RW. You thanked the cast and Jim and crew and so on and also Dawn, for staying by you. I realized then that you had never thanked me publicly for anything, that I can remember. You never acknowledged publicly that we were a couple. I was there but I wasn't there. It was at your convenience.

It hurt me terribly to read your thanks to Dawn. Why? Why does it still hurt? It has been over a year now and I have met several men - nobody is in my life now, none went past a few emails or one meeting - I am ready to meet others, yet you can still hurt me in your absence.

I very much need to get past this.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
nickyludd
Dec. 2nd, 2002 06:23 pm (UTC)
I empathise very much with you here (insofar as one can via writing to someone one has not met - which i still find strange). Yes,you do need to move on. Can you confront him, write to him, make sure your joint friends see it?

Not being publicly affirmed as a couple is very hurtful.

For what it's worth, having read your jrn and your comments to mine: I don't think he can realise what he has lost.
judith
Dec. 2nd, 2002 09:08 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much for these comments. This has hurt me so much I can't believe it, in a way.

I have thought, these last few days, of writing my real thoughts to him. Whether I send them or not would be another matter. I don't know if he would understand all that I say - I realize the real value is not in his reaction, though, but in my having done what I need to do.

Not for the first time, though, I am thinking of using this experience, writing it as a fiction story, in some form or another. I should just do it, just start - again.

Thank you especially for that last sentence. No, he really has no idea.
nickyludd
Dec. 2nd, 2002 10:48 pm (UTC)
Re:
All that matters is that you do what you feel will help you. His reaction only matters in relation to that.

Yes, write!
prom
Dec. 3rd, 2002 06:21 am (UTC)
i swear to god judith, i think d & my ex b/f j were separated at birth. he never publicly acknowledged much of anything either & it did hurt, and badly. it took a LOT of time to get past the anger, both at j & myself. as time goes by i understand better why i stuck it out for so long, & how unhealthy it was for me. i'm sorry you're hurting judith, i *do* understand. time wounds all heels. *hug*
judith
Dec. 3rd, 2002 07:08 am (UTC)
Thank you, Priscilla. It really helps to hear these things, know them though I do. THere is nothing quite so lonely as recovering from being "dumped". There is so much to get through. I have no doubt I will be stronger for it, already am, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt.

I meant to post that to the "unsentletters" group but somehow, although I chose that "identity", it posted to my regular journal. There was some glitch at the time I was posting, so I had to resend it, and I think it reset right then. Now I am glad it landed here, where my friends have seen it. Thank you again, so much.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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