?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Here's what happens

I keep careful track of what I eat. I realize that I am more vulnerable in the evenings so I do my best not to eat in the evenings. Sometimes I just drink a lot of water, or I tell myself I can have a thing in five minutes, keep putting it off. Or I drink coffee or broth or tea. So I do this, I feel I've got the thing under control, and then the day comes when something triggers a binge and I eat maybe 50% more than normal. Maybe more. WHat triggers it, I wonder. I usually go back, get it under control again, soon, and it never gets seriously out of control. Well, it did for a while there, quite a while back, when I gained, first five, then ten, then twenty pounds, from my low point. I got it back under control then and I keep going back, keep starting over, and here I am. It's a life trip.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
prom
Mar. 2nd, 2002 03:55 pm (UTC)
You're more disciplined than I am when it comes to food.. good for you! Ok so you're more disciplined about a LOT of things than I am! :o)
judith
Mar. 3rd, 2002 08:57 am (UTC)
discipline?
I had to laugh at your comment. I never consider myself self-disciplined. Here's why, the ugly awful truth: my house is a mess - I have made small inroads over the years but it still isn't a place I can invite anyone into - ; I am just beginning, over the past year maybe, to be consistent, or almost, about paying bills on time; I volunteer for stuff that I really want to do, like web pages and newsletters (!) and then have trouble getting up the energy or the will to do them in a timely fashion; I don't have anything you could call real savings. It would take one small car repair bill or some kind of medical bill to thrash the hell out of what I have; I have no medical insurance, although I might be able to negotiate for it; I don't even have insurance on my house, because I worry about having someone come over to look at it (I did have it for several years but let it lapse), and anyway it isn't worth anything because it's a pre-1976 mobile home, which means it can't be moved to another place and set down legally as a home; my laundry spends days or a week or so folded on chairs or the couch...I could go on.

I have managed to wrest control in small ways, but that control is fragile. I do worry about it. I think that I have been doing this exercise thing long enough to have developed more than a habit, it is almost a craving now (thank heaven) but I have nothing like that kind of handle on the food I eat. I have changed my eating habits considerably yet I am like an alcoholic, can slip any time. The one thing that keeps me going is my willingness to start over and start over and start over. I really think it's the main secret. So no, I don't think it's self-discipline. That's someone else.

It may sound odd but I don't think I need help with these things! I do see a therapist (I am down to once a month) but I also know myself. I have been able to take little steps and gradually change things for the better. My life looks chaotic now but it's way way better than it used to be and I actually feel lucky to be me, lucky to have such a life. My outlook is much more positive. I know I have things to deal with but I have the strength to do it - if not quickly, at least eventually. I have the tools, in other words, whether or not I use them all the time.

Sometimes I think I really am better off having been so screwed up to begin with. It does give me a perspective and understanding that many others do not have. I value that. I don't know enough about your life to know if you are in any way in this kind of camp - if so, do you think it has given you anything?
prom
Mar. 10th, 2002 10:03 am (UTC)
Re: discipline?
Ok then you're a fellow slacker! ;o)

No medical insurance here either, I clean (overcompensate too) only when people are coming over, m knows his choices are a) step around it b) clean it if you can't wait till I get around to it which could be a looong wait c) hire someone else to do it! I have savings but they're tied up & if I had access to them it would be long gone by now. We should compare laundry piles sometimes, heh.

I think there's a LOT to be said for that willingness to keep starting over. I live for change & transformation (in self as well for others) & that determination carries me through quite well *knock wood* - the day I get tired of trying will be a dark day indeed. Some days, months even I feel like a hamster on a wheel, going nowhere, but my higher self is what keeps me driven to continue. Spiritual self is much more reasonable than my neurotic mental self & insecure emotional self & spastic physical self thank GOD!!!

Even with all the shit that's rolled my way I do feel very blessed & fortunate; I've had a lot of opportunities & second chances. How much of that is luck & how much I co-created is debatable. Structure is good for me as I live very chaotic & moment-to-moment, usually someone or something else has to implement the structure & I can follow along better.

Yes, being aware of my mistakes doesn't necessarily keep me from repeating them. *sigh*
I have faith that everything happens for a reason & that is continually reinforced as I go through daily life. A few years ago I had a HUGE 'aha!' moment and the realization that I needed EVERY experience in my life, good & bad, in order to get to where I am today. I like that perspective, I find it practical. And I hate throwing things away. Whatta metaphor - !
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

Profile

Roman
judith
Judith Lautner
Judy's home

Latest Month

January 2012
S M T W T F S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031    

Tags

Page Summary

Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Lilia Ahner